Poems, rendering, and erasers

I'm listening to a new song that declares the story of Jesus... He came for the broken, the hurting, for th nations.What a Savior. He who knew no sin...became sin...for such a wretched person as I, for such a person who He knew would wander. Oh Father pull me in. Wondrous Savior, precious Jesus, Holy Holy God pull me in. Take away all imperfections. Every day renew my spirit so that I can continually come closer to you. Make me your perfect art work Lord.

I just finished watching my friend draw a portrait. From the first basic shape to the signature, I saw the facial structure change again and again as she strived to capture the age, the texture, the emotion. She had to erase the imperfections so that the portrait matched the picture she was drawing from. I sat in awe as I watched her know exactly which graphite weight to use, of each stroke of her charcoal, of each eraser mark.... there was one point when I asked her placement of something. She just smiled and assured me that one she was finished it would all fit.

I was reminded, I am Christ's workmanship...His poem (the Greek) (Eph. 2:8-10). In the same way my friend had to refine her drawing and as all artists do, there is refining in life as well. I wonder if art could speak what emotions it would express as it was continually being changed...would it be similar to the painful times the imperfections are being chipped away? similar to when I am being refined? Oh but for the day that is coming when my precious and holy Jesus returns, on that day His work in me will be complete (Phil 1:6). For the moment all discipline seems painful rather than pleasant, but later it yields the peaceful fruit of righteousness to those who have been trained by it (Heb 12:11).

Continue to erase what needs to be Father. Shape and mold me to you. Make my desires your own. Take me through these hard times so that I may be more like you on the other side (of the struggles). Oh I long for that day Jesus, to be with You perfectly.

a bomb in a china room

It's more than my thing...
Does it man they are being disobedient? Why is this such a burdened? Why do I have eyes to see this? Can I not help others see it too? I'm the bomb in a china room, shards of glass flying about the room but I am I just breaking hearts? You broke me into action. No more play Holy Spirit but how then do I make others see? I set off bombs. I'm tired of nothing happening. Why does logic work in every other situation? I don't get it. It's not about me and my passion nor you. What happened to apostolic passion? Move people. Open your eyes and see this was not give to you for you. See that people are damned. Does that not move you? Where is your pulse? Jog the memory and see a dark light weekend. Do you not remember the heap laid upon one man? Remember your closet of hidden chains...He took them. Don't you remember that day wen you were freed? Are you wearing them now...no you are still free. Well free citizen it is not liberty for you alone. Remember the faces in National Geographic, on the commercials you quickly turn to your favorite sitcom, the ones you see in the campaigns Bono supports, the faces... the beautiful faces are damned and this is my thing? My passion? They don't need to hear of liberty and love, don't worry those are just for you... I'm sure that is what the lover said too when He set you free. Pardon my sarcasm and crass speech, I'm just setting off another bomb. It's not my fault. This, glory, worship, justice, and salvation, is what is inside and your shit is setting it off. Move, this life is not about you.

conversations over tea

I have always been the one to push the seams. Not in the sense of rules inside school, ha no I was the "to the T" person, but in the sense of Christianity. Maybe I shouldn't use the word always because growing up I followed suit of the subculture around me, I knew nothing different, however there was a time my Father grabbed me shook off my blindness. Scales fell off of my eyes, not the ones like Paul's, but the one's that blinded me from seeing fully His plan. And from then on I have pushed.

I don't push because I think its fun to have a lot of people disagree with me or have separations in relationships or to be different or because I think I'm better but because only one opinion matters and that's Christ's. Other books and significant others in life have great things to say, believe me I love sitting down with some tea and have a great conversation whether it be a person or through a book - those conversations that challenge and encourage...yet ultimately, man's words. So when I see that church is no longer a group of people but a building, clanging symbols instead of day to day "getting the hands dirty" living, billions of people who have little to no opportunity to hear the gospel, a growing pile of shoes and sweaters and cars, a service that has to be this is exact way with this exact music, etc. etc. etc. I push with intention to break seams. I'm not saying all of these are wrong...but I'm asking are they Biblical...which ha I guess would they say they are wrong if they aren't biblical. No I'm not trying to be legalistic. Oh these past week I have realized that there is nothing in my...in me that is good that can save, nothing. It is only by Jesus. I push because I want Jesus and nothing else. I push because I want others to want Jesus and nothing else.

Along with my pushing, I have seen this work best as I am strong and stubborn...only how does one continue to push when strength subsides as all is not kept well together in spotless place. Am I ever pushing those seams, yes...oh I am stubborn and I still want Jesus more than anything and want others to want Him more than anything. But the clear vision of where I'm pushing personally has been scaled. I have pleaded to be broken as He is, to be thrown off my high horse that I love riding...only I am always surprised when He does it. But this, this is different. There are so many more elements or maybe just bigger. I was talking to a friend today over some tea (cherished moment), she called it sanctification, "If this isn't sanctification I don't know what is..." It's being pummeled from the front while He's the only thing holding me up in the back...of course that's not the theological definition but He is so holy that He is refining, break down those pieces and sifting sifting sifting those things out so that I come out more pure. This way, Jesus gets all the fame and honor...not this one. oh pride fall. mmm still I want Jesus more than anything, oh Lord..continue.

boxing match.

I had the beautiful opportunity to return to a city once hated and now...I like very much. The drive down was filled a stormy mix of snow and rain but as we drew closer to the snow became sporadic until we came upon a beautifully painted sky that was the city's backdrop. It was a weekend filled with people from all different nations with brothers and sisters from each. Most of the weekend I was observing the lovely ladies I went down with and processing with them therefore my sorting out didn't really happen. I anticipated certain things late Saturday night as I sat curled up next to the heater with my journal. Knowing fair well that tomorrow leaving would be hard...again. I kept asking the same thing over and over. I couldn't quite figure it all out. Why is my heart pulled in so many different directions? On our drive back I made the mistake of sighing at one point which spurred on several questions. one individual said "I can't wait to see you in a couple weeks...I think it's interesting that you feel so strongly about that place when you aren't even going to be living there some day." Two places that every time I leave I fight back so much...so then I wonder what this all means as I plan to head elsewhere. Oh precious Jesus, chip off those pieces. I'm swinging...swing back but also let me be at your feet and in your arms. This is like the drive. Where its a stormy mess yet at one point soon there will be a beautiful sky to behold. I'm swinging. chip away the pieces.

Effect of Salvation daily?

"We have salvation. It needs to effect our every day lives."



Penned by a dear friend:

Why do we give the devil a foothold with our words? With our attitudes?

Every time we get together, or even in our conversation with those around us..."I am so tired. I have so much homework. I am so stressed out. I have no time. I I I me me me me."

Why do we speak it? Why do we glorify Satan with our words and lack of trust? Why is it all about us? me me me me.

Stop speaking it! Stop letting every other Christian on this campus and off this campus, how much Satan has a foothold in your life! We spend more time giving the update on how Satan is dragging us down than on how God is lifting us up! How He is SO mighty and bigger than all things. Bigger than our schedules, bigger than our relationship problems, bigger than our speck of existence on this dirt clot! HE HAS WON THE VICTORY OVER SIN AND DEATH, AND WE CAN'T SEEM TO STOP TALKING ABOUT WHAT SATAN IS DOING IN OUR LIVES!!! What is going on!?!

THIS STOPS NOW.

We are not building up the kingdom. Christ has brought us out of the dominion of darkness and into the Kingdom of light! What a glorious thought that through Christ who gives me strength...I CAN DO ALL THINGS. If we really believe that, why are our mouths saying something completely different? Are we kingdom people or not? Can our God do all things or not? Am I His or not?

I am nothing without him. I can do nothing without him. Am I speaking that? Or is it just a happy thought in my head? Am i living that or is it just a catchy phrase? My existence, brief as it is, is not really mine at all. I belong to Him. The powerful one. The mighty one. The one that NEVER loses. EVER. EVER. EVER. The one who is ever-faithful, ever-loving, ever-righteous and ever-holy.

Why? How.....

His love for me....

His love for me....

His love for me....

Run with me... toward HIM. The one who's love is immeasurable! How great his love for you for me!

This changes now.

Sweet Cherished Brokenness

the past month and specifically this week has been one of unexpecteds and igotnothinglefts. I'm being stretched in 3 different ways with foundation that was crumbling. I once prayed a prayer at the beginning of the summer "make me desperate for you." There was one time Jesus told me "daughter, you are prideful. Take heart I have grace and I will mold you." So I prayed "make me become nothing." There was a time last year as I sat in a room with three women and answered their question with, "because I am least qualified. because I will have to rest completely on God and it will be very evident this is not by my power." This fall began and so did the stretching and crumbling but God used me in spite of myself all awhile letting me fall. breaking pride. ringing me dry of self. Now I plead, repent, cry, worship, and strive no longer in or by self but once again back to my maker. to my Father. oh precious Jesus, I don't understand your love, your grace.. oh precious Jesus there's something about Your name Master, Savior, Jesus. sweet cherished brokenness.

the more knowledge

How are you suppose to respond when you hear the devastating history of the Holocaust knowing that it is history but then hear of Sudan knowing that is current life? When you watch a documentary that takes you into the brothels and know human trafficking is the fast growing crime and it exist even in the most conservative cities in America? When you realize your stomach growls a couple hours after eating your third meal when their are a multitude of kids starving to death? When you open your bottled water and your tap is fine but there are those who have to walk miles to get to the only clean water around them? When you hear that violence increases in villages simply because they don't have electricity? When you watch the real story (not the news version) of three men from three different religions who live in Bethlehem and their lives are utter chaos from war? When you hear that people are dieing of a preventable disease? When you see a family of 6 living in a scrap shanty while you know people who have two houses? When you begin to understand by the slightest glimpse from people's stories and pictures the depth of the slums in India? When you learn more and more of the devastation of poverty? .... what do you do? Father I am so overwhelmed. I know, I know Jesus is enough. The gospel is enough. period. I know these things but my heart is breaking...I'm overwhelmed. Father you are enough.

I need a roof top conversation today

As I was riding my bike around with no destination I passed a patch of lawn that I reseeded this summer; it finally looked good. There were only a few patches that were left but it had taken two and a half months to get there. I remember the weed bed that it once was. It took a couple rounds of weed kill...days to let them die...time to lay new soil, reseed, rake, water...days of more watering...but still it looked like patchy grass and dead weeds. Then about a month later, there was a thin layer of grass that allowed you to still see the ground beneath. All of us who worked on that area thought we would have to reseed it again next summer because it was failing to grow in well. Now today I return and it's a beautiful thick green patch, it just needed time and persistent care. Sporadically in the new green patch sprouted weeds. Ruined. All that work and time worthless....or just more work... all it needed was for me to bend down and pull it out. I couldn't use weed killer even thought that is easier. The spray would kill the grass. It required specific attention. Not all is waste. It's not a one time weed, seed, water and it's good but it needs constantly specific attention.

no list.

if balanced means you can have a little of everything and then sprinkle a little Jesus on top - have your balance, I want Jesus!

Jesus is a straight shooter

Despite all that He taught me the other night I found myself this morning as we were listening to more of our job description and our different tasks all the insecurities came back again. Looking around the room at the different community life staff and seeing their strengths and realizing those aren't my strengths at all. Knowing Christ chose me out of the world but just not believing that I can do this. After lunch Jesus reminded me of Peter. As Peter took steps out onto the water towards Jesus but then started falling it wasn't lack of faith in Jesus but himself. He doubted that he could do it. But thinking about to the moment that Jesus said, "come follow me" and they dropped their nets immediately to follow. They left their jobs, their families, friends, security everything to follow Jesus, why? Back in their day to the boys ould go through schooling and eventually ask to follow a Rabbi and if the Rabbi thought you knew enough and had it then you could follow him. If not they would follow in the family trade. The rabbis were the most respected people so to have Jesus come up to these guys who were fisherman (meaning they didn't cut it) and have Him ask them, of course they are going to follow Him immediately. Jesus asked them because He believed they could cut it, that they had it in them to be like Him, to follow Him. Now going back to the water, Peter didn't believe that he could do it but Jesus wouldn't have said, "come follow me" if he didn't think Peter had it in him.

straight shot. Just as I was doubting in my abilities despite the fact that I knew He chose me Jesus says, "No I chose you because as you abide in me you can do this. I wouldn't have chosen you if you couldn't." He pulled in all I have been learning about being nothing unless I abide in Him, choosing me, and now believing in me.

I still don't fully get this but You chose me. You said, "come follow me." And while I am still learning to believe in myself You are worthy of me dropping my nets and following immediately...wherever that may be or in whatever that may be, dropping it right away simply because You said, "come follow me."

Beautiful Wonderful Savior

I have begun this journey that lasts a year and is completely foreign to me. With it I have constantly been reminded in the past week or so that "Apart from me you can do nothing." (John 15:5) I had even been praying, "help me realize I am nothing and there is no way I can get through this year without you." The three past days were spent with about thirty other student leaders at a camp. We spent time learning of each others' strengths and discussing how they will help the whole team, tubing down the river, roasting hot dogs, telling about our pets and favorite hobbies, playing rage and other games, eating animal crackers, taking ridiculous photos, taking late night walks, etc. However the entire time, I seemed to be somewhere else. I tried to figure out what it was the first day but couldn't. It was yesterday night after someone shared from God's Word and talk about how it has nothing to do with us. We aren't the ones who are going to change anything but it's about Jesus and the gospel. I walked quickly out of the room with everyone and just walked on the paths in the dark talking with Jesus trying to figure out what was wrong. Why I seemed to be else where. I had made the lap around when I decided to go around one more time. I rounded the first corner and just stopped. The noise from the rocky sand underneath my shoes was too loud so I just stopped and talked with Jesus. "I am nothing. I am nothing." it repeated again and again then I heard "but I chose you." In John 15 Jesus talks about He is the vine and we are the branches and how "apart from Him I can do nothing" (v.5) and that's what I was repeating, "I am nothing." The past week I had been reminded of this but it was last night (as I was walking) I realized I was forgetting redemption. "but I chose you. I chose you out of this world." Later in that same chapter (John15:19) Jesus says but I have chosen you out of this world. I am nothing, yes this is truth but it is not the end He chose me. I am nothing yet He chose me out of the world. He made me something. I was stuck in all my inconsistencies, unworthiness, under qualified characteristics, and flaws... oh what a lie. Yes I have all those things but I am not bound by those things. they don't define me. But what a lie the enemy fed. he only let me see that far and made me forget redemption. He chose me! Jesus Christ, savior king of kings immanuel son of God, He chose me. This just continued (at that moment when walking and in this moment as well) to blow my mind. He chose me. I was reminded of a song I have sang many times but a line came to life to me: "When all of a sudden I am unaware of these afflictions eclipsed by glory and I realize just how beautiful You are and how great Your affections are for me." He chose me. Oh how He loves!

1 week and 1 day. woah. B.

Go to work. Receive daily assignments, mowing. Grab the ipod. Fill up the mower with gas. Push play. Mow.

That's the normal routine on days in which we mow but the last few days I've been on the mower a lot thanks to jumping off rocks and as I've been on it a lot my mind has started to wander. Often wanders to this fall. The common question that pops in my head, What in the world am I doing?! This fall I have the amazing opportunity to be an RA in the predominantly freshman dorm. Often people ask, "Are you ready?" um...no. I have no idea what I'm running into. And that's another thing I'm running, not walking but running head first and did I mention I'm blind? Once I get to this point in my mind I flip the switch. Ya you're right you can't do anything. Apart from Jesus I am nothing (John15:5). He's the one going to do all the work in and through you. Then my mind wanders somewhere else and then eventually at some point wanders back to it repeating pretty much the same pattern. Today I got sick of rummaging through my music so I listened to a message called "Holy Spirit and Our Efforts part 1" by Francis Chan. When I read the title of the message I figured it would be a good one to listen to since I'm going to be an RA..ha I love how God works.

Francis was working his way through the different characteristics in 2 Peter 1:5-11 when Jesus brought it to a heart issue in my wanderings. Steadfastness. Francis described steadfastness as "you have a weight on you and you keep holding it up. I'm going to hold it up longer. I'm going to hold it up longer. It's endurance." Yet so often we pray, "God take this weight." However, we don't become steadfast unless there's pressure. You're going to feel like quitting so most of us pray God get rid of the weight. We're not concerned about developing steadfastness. Have you ever in your life asked God to make your life a little more difficult so that you could develop steadfastness?

woah. At that point, I jerked the mower. Why had I subconsciously been asking God to give me a super easy year?

Francis continued, "why don't we instead say, 'ya know I'm a little weak. every little trial comes my way and I fall apart God I want to work on that because I want to become the man or woman you want me to be so keep it coming.'

what if Jesus came in to this room today and as you walked out of the doors He said, "I'll give you one of two options. Option A: the next year I can make it a very easy and comfortable year it'll be there. You want a good marriage, you got it. Not married but want to be, got it. You want a new job that you make 3 times as much as last year, you'll get it. You want perfect health for you and your family, you got it in fact you'll end up with a six pack. It's all going to be there. Now at the end of the year you're not going to be any stronger. You're not going to be any closer to me than last year. We won't be anymore intimate but it will have been a fun year. Or I'll give you option B: this next year I'm going to have you go through some hardships and its not going to be an easy year but during those times you and I are going to be so close. You are going to experience me like never before and at the end of the year you are going to be this man or woman that is just so far beyond what you are today with steadfastness and strength you've never had. I'll get you through it but it'll be tough. What will it be? A or B?"

Why had I subconsciously been asking God to give me a super easy year? I don't want comfort and easy I want God. If it takes hardships okay I want God, I want Jesus, I want to be a woman of God, His beloved daughter. Who cares about this life? Its fleeting, I'm a vapor (James 4:14). Man it was just on Sunday that I was telling a friend, "God is sustaining my every breath. Any time He could take it away but He continues to sustain me because He still has a purpose for me. And if all this is true, which it is, then why would I not live everything for Him!?" And now I'm asking for an easy out? Praise God for wake up calls. Praise God for giving us the Holy Spirit to convict us of things.


Bring it. I want You Jesus. Keep it coming.

Real People

I can't pin it down to one day or moment per say but I know it happened in one week. My eyes were opened. At that point I thought opened to everything, oh the childness of that for they have continued to be opened as each day passes I see more. What of those who have never had the opportunity to hear the gospel? Not even just that but they don't even have the opportunity. What about the tribes that one no has heard of that want to hear, they are begging for people to come, what of them? What of those others deem "the enemy"...should they not be able to hear the Jesus loves them too? What of those who are 13 and call their neighbors vietnam yet they live in this country of freedom? What of the children who have no life in them because they have never been loved? What of the mothers who are trying to raise her kids all by herself because the father ran? What of the individuals who are tricked into slavery? What of the young girl who throws up because she doesn't believe she's beautiful? what of the boy who was given a semiautomatic gun before he was 5? What of the thousands dieing of preventable diseases? What of the family that lives across the street and is torn by a divorce? What of the marriage that is falling apart because of porn? What of the kids who are loosing their parents because of HIV AIDS? What of the families living in the Indian slums?

I see all these things then I turn around and ask... what of the families who have been blessed to be a blessing yet hoard it? What of the mountains of shoes piled in a closet when a child doesn't have one? What of one more meal out when there are people starving to death not the little phrase we use but literally starving to death? What of the few minutes it would take to stop and talk with the person who lives there on street? What of the cures we have that could save lives? What about Jesus that could save more than just their bodies yet there is no movement - just comfort, safety, materials, money, and...and....

But then once again, my gracious Father grabs me by the hand and opens my eyes a little further to see all the saints around me working for His glory. People who love those little kids who have never been loved to see them come to life. People stop drinking bottle water because some have to walk miles just to get clean water and then who put a well in a village so that they only have to water a couple of feet. People who welcome in college aged students year after year letting them into their lives to experience true discipleship and show them God's heartbeat. People who catch a vision of justice and do anything possible to bring it starting with awareness. People who see their co-workers every week in their home to answer questions and plant the seed. People who pray and pray for each person walking into the abortion clinic. People who move across the sea to live in an apathetic community yet continue to share their lives. People who are in tribes that have spears with their names on it because of sharing Jesus. People who are working big paying jobs yet live off of 40% and give the rest to support those overseas. People who start a manufacturing plant in a third world country to give them jobs and the pay they deserve. People who are on college campuses constantly pouring into the lives of the people around them despite the late night or homework. People who are in the inner city hosting groups around to open their eyes to the real city and to love on the those who live in those neighborhoods. People who are taking whatever job they can to pay of school loans so that they can go to a people group that has never heard the gospel. People who are risking their lives to tell others about Jesus. People whose family has threatened to disown them because of their beliefs. People who work immensely hard so that some day they can be a doctor and offer their services free of charge for those who can't afford it and need it the most. People who have the same audience every week and could tell them exactly what they want to hear but instead challenges them with what God's word really says. People who pray for the God's kingdom to come and His will to be done on earth as it is in Heaven.

To my brothers and sisters, I say thank you for giving your life to Christ no matter the cost. And for those of you who aren't this is your challenge. All of the people I just described are real people in my life.

Beyond Blood

The other day I was reminded of two encounters. One back to March. I met someone for the first time and felt like I knew them. But after talking realized I didn't actually know them only I still felt like I did. Recently this happened again. I met some people and there was no possible way I would have known them anywhere but I felt like I knew them. After spending time with them this bond grew and grew as it had done in march. The only common factor: Christ. There is no way to explain that kind of a bond outside of Christ. It doesn't make any sense - why would one feel so close to another person they have never met. I don't just mean this is a way that we have common hobbies and interests but something that goes beyond even family. It doesn't make sense except when the common denominator is Christ. Both are striving full fledged towards Christ then that kind of a bond makes perfect sense.

Learning How to Die

This morning got up and went rollerblading. It has been years since I have rollerbladed but I just had this urge to do so this morning. As I was pushing my way through the cracks and rocks on the street I fell in love with the gospel again.

I was challenged from a podcast from a church in southern California about the big picture of the gospel not just the cross. The church is going through Titus and the pastor paused on the introduction for a bit. "Paul, a servant of God..." (1:1) In another one of Paul's letters he writes about how we are slaves. Slaves either to righteous and therefore life or to sin and therefore death. It's hard for us to accept this role as Christ followers because we don't think that we were truly slaves to sin before Christ. Growing up in the church sometimes its hard for me to look back and see exactly where I surrendered but over the years of telling my stories and thinking over it and God revealing more and more of Him within it I have a rough estimate and therefore I can see the plans and life that I was pursuing fail time and time again...slave to sin. But then surrender and I am now a slave to Christ for I am not my own but bought by another (1cor. 6:19-20). I was so lost, so engrossed in sin but then Jesus bought me with His death so now I'm good. I can live the way I choose and see Him in heaven...wrong. Now I am a slave to Christ. Then what does Paul say next, "and apostle..." (1:1). Apostle - one who is set apart. When Paul was on the road to damascus and Jesus came to him (acts 9), Paul's sin was shown and then Jesus set him apart. The pastor told this story of a man who went in for an audition. the man got a role in the movie but the man didn't like the role so he left. Is this not like us some times? We surrender our slavery to sin and are happy to become apart of the family of Christ and then we are given our role and we want to leave just like the man at the audition. But remember what Jesus said to Ananias, "the Lord said to him, 'Go, for he[Paul] is a chosen instrument of mine to carry my name before the Gentiles and kings and the children of Israel. For I will show him how much he must suffer for the sake of my name.'" (acts 9:15-16) Paul's role: go to the gentiles - sweet, much suffering - "um no thanks" .... accept Paul didn't respond that way he was given his role knew the price that was paid for him and said, I will go.

Have you ever asked, "What is my purpose in life? If I weren't here would it matter?" I'm not trying to be sadistic or emo just asking the questions. Reality: right now God has given me a role and a purpose. I am the best youngest daughter my parents could have. The best student, the best...etc. arrogant much? No, because Christ has put me there in each one of those places specifically. If there was a better daughter that my parents could have had God would have given them her. Or a better student to take my place at the university He would have put them there. How crazy is that? God specifically choose me for each of those roles! The roles you've been given, same thing God choose you! I've always been one to look to the future. At times I justified it so much that there wasn't a second thought. And of course the culture I live in it helped me along as well. Constantly looking to the next thing the next thing I so often miss the role God has placed me in right now. I need to be living gospel moments every day within all the roles I have been given right now. As my brother James said my life is a vapor (James 4:13-14). This doesn't mean I'm going to be lazy and as some say "let go and let God" because following Christ and waiting upon the Lord is not a passive thing but I need to stop trying to fulfill my "casting roles" and live in the ones I have been given and pursue Christ to find the rest He has for me. choice: hot or cold, slave to life or death, follow or not.

God answers prayers

How do you respond once God begins to break your heart for all the things that break His? I just finished watching Hotel Rwanda for the first time. I was conflicted with emotion. My heart breaking again and again, tears streaming down my face, and hatred towards sin welling up. How can people commit genocide? How can people kill at all? As I was watching the atrocities that were in that moment contained by a screen but knowing full well it is life, I was reminded of hope. God is the only one who can truly save, who can fully end this pain. I've said this before and friends have said its crass but its truth, "If we save them from AIDS, malaria, being an orphan, etc. but don't share with them Jesus, the gospel, we are saving them for hell." Ya, it's harsh but its reality! Hell is real and God is the only one who truly save. From all of this world and all that is not. The enemy has dominion right now but...in the movie at one point they spoke of how no one was coming to help, they were cowards, no more. no more. I will go. I will go wherever you lead me. I will go to the darkest places to bring the only hope. Ya, I'm scared but its not about me. This my friends is the biggest justice I can bring to people, real hope - Jesus. this is how I respond. full fledge sprint towards Christ and everything He is about. oh, Father use me and may I be attentive and obedient.

Challenging Questions

What if we take away the cool music and the cushioned chairs? What if the screens are gone and the stage is no longer decorated? What if the air conditioning is off and the comforts are removed? Would His Word still be enough for His people to come together?
excerpt from Radical by David Platt

dirty & burning trash vs. lysol & frebeze

My friend came back from India, I just finished reading about Afghanistan, and I miss Mexico. I really want to be out there, anywhere. I know God has some crazy plan for me I know it. Jesus pull me in draw me close so that I fall more in love with you so that my desires to be overseas arise at Your timing so that until then I can be all here where you have me. the best place for me right now because You have me here. Oh Father pull me in.

Fast Forward Button on Thoughts = snippets

the strikes come through breaches not the front door. freedom not slavery. prayer not whimpy but grand, believing and waiting in expectation. strength will arise as we wait upon the Lord. on fire in love. the comprehenders too far away, porque. patience for the ones everyone loves to love. rid me of myself. use this broken vessel. radical. crazy. extreme. think on these things - Phil 4. arms high and heart abandoned. refine.

I want only

I have a hard time sitting and watching any type of movie or tv now. (For many reasons but...) the questioned was proposed to me once in the form of a story:
Some family members were at a theater watching a play when at intermission the dad leaned over to his mother in-law and asked, "What do you think of the show?"
she replied,"Oh I don't want to be here."
shocked he asked, "why?"
"I don't want to be here if Jesus were to come back."

...some people may say that "that is an extreme." but that's when I say really is it? Are we not always suppose to be living in light of eternity? Jesus is coming back and no one knows the time only the Father therefore should we not always be living as though He were coming? So if this is the extreme then, I want to be extreme. I'm done being bored and choosing something that has no eternal consequences. Why not spend that time on my face praying, reaching out to the untouchables, to the ones that hide behind "perfect"....I want only Christ and to be about the things He is about. Oh I speak these words and Father help me to put them to action because this is truly the cry of my heart.

Scales and Warm Water

How does one convey the brokenness to a world that seems to have their eyes shut and to those who are warm? Jesus give me your love, frankness, steadfastness, and timing.

Bring on the Cliffs

Alright. I'm ready. I'm dropping all and I'm sprinting this race. If there is a cliff and I'm going to jump even though I'm blindfolded. I'm going. I hate running but I'm sprinting. I dislike, rather strongly, not knowing what is going on but You said go so I am sprinting blindfoldedly. Keep your promise Jesus and stay with me always until the very end of the age. (Matt. 28:20)

Chains be broken...

Last January (2009), I headed down town Tijuana with the rest of the staff. It was a day to spend in the culture. One of our tasks was to take pictures with the different statues. We found a statue of Abraham Lincoln, which we all thought was rather odd that it would be in Mexico. However, all agreeing it was the coolest statue we'd seen of him.

Now a year later, it clicked. I still am not sure why it is in Mexico but neither do I care particularly as to the exact reason but rather now, it is more than just a statue to me.

I just finished watching the film Amazing Grace which is about William Wilberforce and his fight against slavery. By the end of the movie I had a headache from the scowling and the grinding of my teeth. I was so exasperated by the injustice. My emotions rose and fell with Wilberforce as if I were there fighting with him. When everyone and even health became more and more a hindrance telling Wilberforce to stop he kept going until finally, years later, slavery was abolished.

Tears began to stream down my face but not because of joy but sadness...because people believe that slavery is completely abolished.
The Trafficking Victims Protection Act of 2000 has a two-tier definition of severe forms of trafficking:

• Sex Trafficking: "A commercial sex act is induced by force, fraud, or coercion, or in which the person induced to perform such act has not attained 18 years of age;" and,
• Labor Trafficking: "the recruitment, harboring, transportation, provision, or obtaining of a person for labor or services, through the use of force, fraud , or coercion for the purpose of subjection to involuntary servitude, peonage, debt bondage, or slavery.

http://sstream.org/WhatisTrafficking.aspx
27 million – Number of people in modern-day slavery across the world.
800,000 – Number of people trafficked across international borders every year.
1 million – Number of children exploited by the global commercial sex trade, every year.
161 – Countries identified as affected by human trafficking:
127 countries of origin; 98 transit countries; 137 destination countries.
Note: Countries may be counted multiple times and categories are not mutually exclusive.
32 billion – Total yearly profits generated by the human trafficking industry.
http://nhtrc.polarisproject.org/materials/Human-Trafficking-Statistics.pdf

14,500-17,500 people are trafficked into the United States each year (Trafficking in Persons Report, U.S. Dept. of State, 2009)People are trafficked into every single state, including Michigan (Polaris Project, www.polarisproject.org)

http://vimeo.com/11055871
http://vimeo.com/10881423


In the film, Wilberforce's friend William Pitt (prime minister) is trying to convince him to be active in ending slavery Pitt says, "Surely Christianity is more than just meditation but also leads to action." (paraphrase) But due to Wilberforce's new faith he feels as though he most choose one or the other. At a dinner party Pitt pulls together many other abolitionists and one of them states Wilberforce's predicament of choices and says, "We are here to say you can do both." (paraphrase)
Since when did the gospel become separate of justice. Is not God a God of justice? Is He not THE Judge? Did He not read, "The Spirit of the Lord is upon me, because he has anointed me to proclaim good news to the poor. He has sent me to proclaim liberty to the captives and recovering of sight to the blind, to set at liberty those who are oppressed, to proclaim the year of the Lord’s favor." (Luke 4:18-19)? Jesus proclaimed the good news and set the captives free. Why does it seem to be one or the other in this day? If we are following Christ Jesus we do as He did and He was about both - saying He is the way, truth, and life and setting the captives free.
"Surely Christianity is more than just meditation but also leads to action."......Brothers and sisters it does...We are not saved by our works but because of Christ's love we are compelled to do so. and as we seek Him and delight in His law (Ps. 37:4) our passions and desires will be as His. He is about redeeming His people back to Him - that's what He's been about since the rebellion in Genesis. Therefore now what....slavery is still happening...

"The church has to lead the way. I get so frustrated when anyone else leads the way because if we are followers of Jesus Christ, 1 John 3 - it talkes about how Christ laid down His life for us so we ought to lay down our lives for our brothers...we've got to start getting practical and asking what does that look like? - Francis Chan (http://vimeo.com/11056867)

Chains be broken, Lives be healed, eyes be opened, Christ is revealed.
it's not because of Abraham but because of Christ!

A note shared with Friends

God has been breaking and molding my heart in so many ways recently and its been hard but so good. With breaking and molding I'm not sure where He's leading me - instantly my head goes "so is this where you want me (future)?" but as I mentioned several times He just wants me to wait upon Him and to obey Him and what He has commanded in His Word. When you leave or even when you are there, we get so focused on future future future when I'm on the field etc. etc. but we (generalizing) always said if you stay you better be living so intentionally - reaching out to those around you and seeking Him - yet I think we have a tendency (or maybe its just me) to say well someday I'm going to be doing this so now I'm just going to focus on school(or whatever it may be)...hypocrite. I need to be reaching out to those around including those outside my home walls (dorm for me) and to those which Christ cared for - the fatherless, needy, weak, etc. There are so many people like that here and I need to go there. Since I've realized that the places others(believers) don't want to go that's where I want go because those people are yearning for something just like those in India, Saudi, Yemen, Bhutan, Ethiopia, Afghanistan, Cambodia etc. because they have this in common - they don't have Christ. And I'm here therefore I better be all here and be living and proclaiming the gospel right where I am.

This has been one of the overwhelming thoughts that Christ has been teaching me lately.

Going to have to admit that I'm having a hard time being completely focused where I am right now. Not so much in the sense I don't want to be here but rather school is "getting in the way." God is pulling my heart in all different directions breaking me in the way He breaks over things. I praise Him for that. But what of the things He is breaking my heart? If I think back on certain days they feel a waste as I attended classes and completed my homework...I long for more than academia. I know life is about worship and worship is done through every aspect of life including homework and class but I miss the constant conversations of real life not just the chattering of grades and the weather. It's in those times that relationships can be built and you can meet needs but I miss the depth. I see Jesus so vividly in lives of others and listening to them share or in the places "normal" people wouldn't want to live - I love those places. The need and love of Jesus is so evident. But God has me in a place right now where people want to live, going to classes, completing homework, and having those conversations about grades and weather...therefore Papa help me be all here.

New Appreciation

I'm a morning person so as any day I left my dorm around 7 o'clock a.m. for breakfast, only this morning I stepped on to the cold wet concrete with my bare feet. While the past couple of weeks have been gorgeous and highly "unMichigan" today was more of a typical Michigan spring day, cold and wet. Instantly my feet were tingling and burning. With each step I took my feet cringed with pain. Since yesterday it had rained there were puddles to walk through and worms to walk around. Even the door mats where cold and wet as I tried to warm my feet up when I entered one of the buildings on Campus.

Today I participated in "A Day without Shoes" sponsored by TOMS. It was an invention to anyone to goes shoeless for a day (or even a couple minutes whatever they could) to experience what so many people around the world deal with every single day.

As I walked back to my dorm after breakfast, the thought crossed my mind to give in. I had the experience and "understood." But then as I began to journal I realized, I was no where near understanding and those who I am trying to relate to, no matter the weather they have no option of putting on shoes. Therefore, I continued and decided not to complain anymore despite the drop of the temperature.

It was cool to see the different students throughout the day who joined TOMS in a day without shoes, I thank God it wasn't a nice day and therefore easy for people to not wear shoes. Hopefully to them it was more then just a fad and it brought awareness and it moves us to action.


I have a new appreciation for shoes.

My heart is being beaten

There was a time when I would have used to say, "I hate cities." I am a nature girl. I love walking through the canopied pathways on a cool fall day as the leaves crunch under my feet and the trees are vibrant with color, however; there has been a change. I still love those walks and nature makes my fall on my face before our Father but there was a day almost two years ago I found myself in a dirty poverty stricken city in Mexico. Where I went into homes in which eight people would live in a twelve by sixteen home constructed of plywood and two by fours. My heart fell in love with those people but still I would adamantly hold to hating cities except that one. This weekend I found myself in another dirty poverty stricken city. It is a city I have been to many times only I never saw its real heart. I served along side whose home was called, the streets. I talked with those who yearned for love but were so neglected. I was hugged by people who came to that establishment to receive food for their families. I drove over gang lines and heard stories from thirteen year old boys who live in what they call Vietnam. I talked with a woman who though had no home but loved our Father so dearly. I saw a man neglected as a couple walked by not even acknowledging his presence. I saw deals made. My mind is spinning with all the things I saw, experienced, and the people I came in contact with. I left all that today and fought tears as we pulled away from that city.

It's been a few weeks now that the issues of poverty have really loomed over me. It's been a few weeks now that my heart has been beaten. This weekend, my heart was obliterated. Even now as I sit here trying to figure out how to convey the pain I feel, I'm at loss for words. This isn't right. People shouldn't be neglected. People shouldn't be sold. People shouldn't have to live on the streets or structures that are barely a step up. People shouldn't have join gangs for family. People shouldn't sell themselves for security. It's not right. I have always ask that my Father would break my heart for the things that break His - He's doing it. Continue Father continue. I cry out and praise You for the Cross for You have defeated all of the disgusting list above and every other disgusting list out there.

All too Forgotten

Prayer.



James 5:16

Isn't it amazing that Christ's church would do anything without prayer?

Ephesian 6:10-20// how are we to put on the Armor? by prayer...why? God IS the armor

Our true aim must not be to work a great deal and pray just enough to keep the work right. We should pray a great deal and then work enough for the power and blessing obtained in prayer to fin its way through us to men.
_Andrew Murray


Luke 18:1-8 // which is crazier? one women who continues to go to the judge who won't give it or God's chosen ones not coming back to God to ask when God promises to grant it?


A calm hour with God is worth a whole lifetime with man...the work of God would flourish by us, if it flourished more in us.
_Murray McCheyne

Matthew 6:9-15

Why is it hard to pray?
we don't believe we are really doing anything when we pray
we rarely see prayer as the solution but more so as preparation for the solution

My life is one long, daily,hourly record of answered prayer. For physical health, for mental overstrain, for guidance given marvelously, for enmity to the gospel subdued, for food provided at the exact hour needed, for everything that goes to make up life and my poo service...I can testify with a full and often wonder-stricken awe that I...know God answers prayer. I have proved during the long decades alone, as far as man's help is concerned, that God answers prayer...It is the very atmosphere in which I live and breathe and have my being, and it makes life grand and free and a million times worth living. I can give no other testimony...Good is scarce just now. We life from hand to mouth. We have not more than will be our breakfast today, but I know we shall be fed, for God answers prayer...Prayer is the greatest power God has put into our hands for service. Praying is harder work than doing...but the dynamic lies that way to advance the kingdom.
_ Mary Slessor

Not Through my Eyes

Earlier this week as I was reading and praying some things stuck out to me. First off in Psalm 16 the last verse says:
You make known to me the path of life;
in your presence there is fullness of joy;
at your right hand are pleasures forevermore.

So often I'm on the side of things that I only see what He hasn't shown me and forget to praise Him for what He has shown me for He does make the path of life known to me, in His timing. mmm :] Praise God! And if the fullness of joy is in His presence why am I so stupid to leave it? Oh a life marked by the curse of sin yet covered and redeemed by salvation. Last year during the spring season at Caravan (jan-may) there was something I used to say constantly, "We have salvation so how does that affect my life?" Man, if I were to wake up every day with that though process realizing the depth of my sin and the great extent of salvation my life would be so drastically different. Which I think lead me to pray from Brandon Heath's song this morning. To pray that our Father would give me His eyes to see everything as He does so that I may love as He does and therefore proclaim and glorify His name!

More than t-shirts

Recently I have been struggling with the idea of the affluent lifestyle. I have never been one to want the American dream. Even when I was young and teachers always asked, "what you do want to be?" Kids would answer a job that would get them money but me I didn't want that I just wanted to make an impact. Thankfully it seems my generation is getting a hold of the reality that money is not life. My generation has found social activism in vogue. They will buy RED products, ONE bracelets, Tom shoes, or t-shirts supporting the organization of their choosing to that parts of the funds go towards fighting poverty. While some do so out of fashion, I know others do so out of genuine concern and either way I guess something is being done but as a Christ Follower, I want to live beyond t-shirts and the vogue. But this is what I am struggling with, I don't know how I am suppose to be doing that right now. India and Mexico continue to come to my mind right now after living in Mexico and just recently watching Slumdog Millionaire. How can I complain about food when I have food? Clothes when I have options? Shoes when I have some to wear? College when I have more then a high school education? How can I worry about money for college when I am in college and even have that problem? How can I justify asking for birthday/Christmas presents? Some day I hope to be out in those communities but I am here right now therefore, how do we as Christ believers in North America deal with this right now?

I thank God for the power and the tool of prayer and I know that is something we can be doing for that is more powerful than any of our "man works" for as Hans von Staden said, "When man works, man works; when man prays, God works." But what about physically, how can we be vessels for Christ?


thoughts from Rich Christians in an Age of Hunger by Ronald Sider:
"Keep you life free from the love of money, and be content with what you have; for he has said, 'I will never fail you nor forsake you'" (Heb 13:5). Our Future is secure not because of our possessions but because it rest in the hands of a loving, omnipotent Father. If we truly trust in him and are unconditionally submitted to his lordship, we can confidently imitate Jesus' carefree unconcern for property and possessions." - pg. 107

"Either Jesus and his kingdom matter so much that we are ready to sacrifice everything else, including our possessions, or we are not serious about Jesus." - pg. 106

"What is the secret of such carefree living? First, many people cling to their possessions instead of sharing them because they are worried about the future. But is not such an attitude finally unbelief? If we really believe that God is who Jesus said he is, then we can begin to live without anxiety for the future." - pg. 105

How sweet it is to be loved by You

Over the Christmas break God taught me so many things and I was so excited to be able to come back in this semester with my knees bent, eyes lifted, and hands open. Each day is sweeter and sweeter. Yes, there have been moments of struggle but I know and feel God pulling me in closer and closer to Himself. Through the trials too I know He is there and those can be a great time of intimacy with my God if my eyes are lifted to Him. The temptations sang this line about a woman, if only they knew true unfailing love they they could really sing out, "How sweet it is to be loved by You!"

Playing the Holy Spirit

I realized that there are times when I try to play "Holy Spirit". By that I mean I try to do the convicting. I'm not premeditating to play Holy Spirit but I was challenged twice today by two different people with my words. Sometimes I talk trying to convict people and while yes there are times when speaking up is necessary but what of prayer? Do I truly believe that the prayer of a righteous man is powerful (Js 5:16)? There are times when I need to stop talking and pray. The Word tells us to be in continual prayer (1 Thes. 5:17). Again there are times when I need to speak, I'm not saying I will never speak out again but I need to remember the Holy Spirit is the one that does the convicting and show that I believe that through my actions and therefore remain quiet at times but may I never remain quiet in prayer. My dear friend continually encourages and challenges me with this statement, "live prayerfully."

Oh Lord may this be true of me that I would live prayerfully, that my life would be mark by prayer to give You the glory. That others would see You not just me being passionate for I am only passionate for You and because of You.

A New Battle Zone

About a month ago it was brought to me the idea of sleep being a battle zone. The friends who brought this to me didn't use that language but they did say that that is when they pray fervently (not saying they don't other times as well) for that is when thoughts are "out of our control." Some say that you can control your dreams, those people haven't heard mine. But maybe this is true but if so I must put my dreams on chauffeur? As I heard them talk about that I have remember different times in my life where this has been true. It is a battle front that we forget about so often. Oh but how true are the words of a hymn, "Thou my best thought by day or by night, Waking or sleeping Thy presence my light." Praises be! Even on that battle front He is still our light! Take up His power for this frontier as well brothers and sisters.

Oh, rid us of our flesh Lord

References from Let the Nations be Glad by John Piper

As believers in America we are fighting against the flow of culture in so many ways but especially in absolute truth. So many individuals including those who believe in God “have a hard time telling others their way is wrong.” (A friend of mine said this) To a certain extent we (generalization) have become empathetic and scared to tell the truth for we do not want to ruin whatever relationship we have or maybe just our pride. There is an Arabic proverb that says, “The greatest crime in the desert is finding water and telling no one.” As believers we have the water while the rest are in the desert and we keep it from them yet claim to love our neighbor?

“For ‘everyone who calls on the name of the Lord will be saved.’ How then will they call on him in whom they have not believed? And how are they to believe in him of whom they have never heard? And how are they to hear without someone preaching? And how are they to preach unless they are sent? As it is written, ‘How beautiful are the feet of those who preach the good news!’” (Romans 10:13-15) “So far then, the main point of verses 14-16 would be that even though God has taken steps to provide the prerequisites for calling on the Lord, nevertheless most have not obeyed.” (144) Why do we hold on to such things that grieve our Father, such as pride and safety, instead of believing His promises (Heb. 13:5b, Matthew 28:20b, Ro. 8:28, etc.) and obey Him?

This is not a task that starts the day we step onto foreign territory or when we are on a mission trip but it started the day we said, “Lord take me life.” “The gospel of the blood of Christ crucified for sinners and risen in victory must be preached to all the nations so that they can believe and be saved.” (152 – bolding is mine)

Another Duh Moment

How truly not surprising it is when one lets go of control allows the Lord to have it, spending daily time with the Father, and constantly lifting up worries and concerns that life is 1) not as stressful, 2) one finds a balance, and 3) life is much more joyous. If only I wouldn't have a hard head and learn these things right away, however; such are the times the Lord uses to mold me.

A quote that spurred thoughts

When I returned back to the states in August there were so many questions but one combination I heard so often was, "How was it? Glad to be home?" I could never directly answer that last question because "no" wasn't the answer they were looking for and I didn't want to lie but I didn't feel the need to hurt people either therefore answering "off question" seemed best. There was something underlining all of this though and I wasn't seeing it.

A young wild eyed believer proudly lifts up a slightly wrinkled paper from the several erase marks. This was the final copy and it was great.

Dear God,

school
graduate
job
marriage
house
kids
their schooling
grandkids
eventually retirement
then whatever You wish

sincerely, Your child

[the child's signature] [a line awaiting God's signature here]


The believer stood there in anticipation. hoping that God will sign his life plan, in turn that all will fall into place as he'd hope it would. It seemed like a good plan. Nothing on there was bad and in fact encouraged by his family. Once all his dreams were checked off he was free to the Father's willing. God looked at it then began rewriting and handed down another letter.

Dear my son,








Your Loving Father,

[God's signature] [a line awaiting his signature]


He look at this slightly confused at the new letter. Where was the plan in the middle? There was nothing there how could he think of signing it when he didn't know what was next?

There was another young wild eyed believer watching. She glanced down at the young man's draft then at the one the Father had written. She shook her had at the young man's seeing the order. He was putting such requirements on God and then to only at the end to fully give God his life, how sad. Didn't he remember when God called Abram to leave all and go without direction? (Gen 12) Abram went, by faith trusting the Lord! (Heb 11) Why would one need to know the plan when God is in control? She lifted up the letter the Father had given her and her pen ready to sign when I was pulled back to reality.

I was sitting in chapel listening to a guest speaker. He was telling this story of the first believer. As he was telling the story I wrote my part in my head but was brought out of the story to hear the question, "What would keep you from signing this letter? From saying Lord if You did this I don't know if I could follow You?" He listed off things; fear, not getting married, sending me to a foreign country, being away from family, etc. None of those were triggers for me then the Holy Spirit reminded me of something; I wasn't content. I did not want to stay here.

My sister was updating me the other day on what God was teaching her. She began sharing about being farsighted. The fact that we can only see what is to come. The some day... only when you are farsighted you can't see what is in front of you. For those of you who have bad eyes think about it when you don't have your contacts or glasses on and you literally can't see. You are able to see the general shapes and colors but the details are all a blur. So when I become farsighted in life I'm going to miss the opportunities that God is giving me each day. The sad thing is there are times that I become so farsighted to only see missions that I forget that that is not what I'm living for. I am living for Jesus Christ, that His Name be glorified by all nations therefore I will go to the ends of the earth but the focus is the Christ be glorified. For one day He is returning. Therefore ever single day must be lived for Him I can't wait until all my plans are checked off the list to say, "okay Lord now what do You want me to do?" even if the list isn't bad my life shouldn't have a list it should be blank so that I may always and only say "okay Lord where do you want me to go?" so that it may be a life filled with faith like Abram. Each second living for Him because no one but the Father knows of Christ's return and I don't want to be completing my checklist when He comes but I want to be living in reckless abandonment, all out for Christ no matter where I am. (Mark 13:32-37)

Contentment says, "God has me here for a reason, and if He never does anything different, I'll still serve and praise Him."
- Just Do Something, Kevin DeYoung


thoughts spurred by this quote originally then as I continued to write by my sister, the message from George Murray (guest speaker), and then by a message from Francis Chan.

A Prayerful lifestyle.

When you think that you aren't going to fall, that is when you are most vulnerable. The other day was a day that based on the series of events would have been the one in which falling would have been "okay" (in the world's eyes) but God continued to remind me of His love and redirected my thoughts constantly to Him. Praise be to Him! When a "normal" day comes and series of events don't happen even then you must not let your guard down the slightest bit for casualties will be committed. We must always, always keep our eyes lifted, our guards up, and be, as a friend says, living prayerfully.