conversations over tea

I have always been the one to push the seams. Not in the sense of rules inside school, ha no I was the "to the T" person, but in the sense of Christianity. Maybe I shouldn't use the word always because growing up I followed suit of the subculture around me, I knew nothing different, however there was a time my Father grabbed me shook off my blindness. Scales fell off of my eyes, not the ones like Paul's, but the one's that blinded me from seeing fully His plan. And from then on I have pushed.

I don't push because I think its fun to have a lot of people disagree with me or have separations in relationships or to be different or because I think I'm better but because only one opinion matters and that's Christ's. Other books and significant others in life have great things to say, believe me I love sitting down with some tea and have a great conversation whether it be a person or through a book - those conversations that challenge and encourage...yet ultimately, man's words. So when I see that church is no longer a group of people but a building, clanging symbols instead of day to day "getting the hands dirty" living, billions of people who have little to no opportunity to hear the gospel, a growing pile of shoes and sweaters and cars, a service that has to be this is exact way with this exact music, etc. etc. etc. I push with intention to break seams. I'm not saying all of these are wrong...but I'm asking are they Biblical...which ha I guess would they say they are wrong if they aren't biblical. No I'm not trying to be legalistic. Oh these past week I have realized that there is nothing in my...in me that is good that can save, nothing. It is only by Jesus. I push because I want Jesus and nothing else. I push because I want others to want Jesus and nothing else.

Along with my pushing, I have seen this work best as I am strong and stubborn...only how does one continue to push when strength subsides as all is not kept well together in spotless place. Am I ever pushing those seams, yes...oh I am stubborn and I still want Jesus more than anything and want others to want Him more than anything. But the clear vision of where I'm pushing personally has been scaled. I have pleaded to be broken as He is, to be thrown off my high horse that I love riding...only I am always surprised when He does it. But this, this is different. There are so many more elements or maybe just bigger. I was talking to a friend today over some tea (cherished moment), she called it sanctification, "If this isn't sanctification I don't know what is..." It's being pummeled from the front while He's the only thing holding me up in the back...of course that's not the theological definition but He is so holy that He is refining, break down those pieces and sifting sifting sifting those things out so that I come out more pure. This way, Jesus gets all the fame and honor...not this one. oh pride fall. mmm still I want Jesus more than anything, oh Lord..continue.

boxing match.

I had the beautiful opportunity to return to a city once hated and now...I like very much. The drive down was filled a stormy mix of snow and rain but as we drew closer to the snow became sporadic until we came upon a beautifully painted sky that was the city's backdrop. It was a weekend filled with people from all different nations with brothers and sisters from each. Most of the weekend I was observing the lovely ladies I went down with and processing with them therefore my sorting out didn't really happen. I anticipated certain things late Saturday night as I sat curled up next to the heater with my journal. Knowing fair well that tomorrow leaving would be hard...again. I kept asking the same thing over and over. I couldn't quite figure it all out. Why is my heart pulled in so many different directions? On our drive back I made the mistake of sighing at one point which spurred on several questions. one individual said "I can't wait to see you in a couple weeks...I think it's interesting that you feel so strongly about that place when you aren't even going to be living there some day." Two places that every time I leave I fight back so much...so then I wonder what this all means as I plan to head elsewhere. Oh precious Jesus, chip off those pieces. I'm swinging...swing back but also let me be at your feet and in your arms. This is like the drive. Where its a stormy mess yet at one point soon there will be a beautiful sky to behold. I'm swinging. chip away the pieces.