Yes it's been a week already or possibly, it's finally been a week

The transition being back home has been hard as I have said. One of the things I've notice the most is with routines. I knew that I have always liked routines but I was reminded of that as I have been back. I was so use to the way life worked down there. Everyday was filled with different things and even the days we had off were usually filled with exploring, shopping in the tiungis, replying back to the multiple messages we let pile up during the week, etc. whatever it might have been our days were filled. Last week my week was filled with school work, getting things for school, and other errands that needed to be done. But this week has been different. The days haven't been filled some of the evenings have but the days, nada. Which has thrown me into remembering everything and therefore missing everyone. Yesterday after the rain had subsided I went and sat on my front porch to read and write. I read through the daily reading in "My Utmost for His Highest." And my butt was kicked. For some reason coming home "granted" me forgetting all the things I was so aware of at Caravan. Such things as:

• being aware of the enemy trying to make me ineffective and unproductive (1 peter 5:8)
• not worrying- I know I have that tendency but cast all my cares upon Christ (1 peter5:7) "Worry implies that we don't quite trust that God is big enough, powerful enough, or loving enough to take care of what's happening in our lives." _Crazy Love, Francis Chan
• Wherever you are be all there.
• It's NOT about me.
  

I was allowing the fact that life now is not how is has been for the past fifteen months merit my attitude being down and letting my emotions control me. Of God knows when we need these kicks and He gave me mine in His perfect timing. Now I'm not saying that now everything is peachy keen, no it's still weird to be home and the transition is hard but when put into the correct perspective which is:

remember life isn't going to be easy because I have an enemy and he'll use whatever to keep me unproductive including my worry, emotions, and thinking it's about me. So often I forget this battle that we are fighting is not a war of flesh but of the spiritual realm which is real and my life isn't always reflecting that. I need to be putting on the armor of God and to be praying constantly (1 Thess. 5:17). Then also remembering it's not about me - my life is not my own it was bought at a price. God cares about my worries lay them at his feet and leave them there don't pick them back up the next day or even hour.

having that perspective does make things easier because God, the creator of DNA, supernovas, octves, humans, the world, the universe, that God...lives within us (followers, believers in Christ Jesus). When put into perspective it's easier. I still love and miss them but I know that we (me and my mcm family) are where we are suppose to be and that we are following God and saying, "Your will be done, not mine but Yours."

There was even more that God has been showing me this week from His Word and again through Chambers' "My Utmost for His Highest" but this would have been my "time" limit on a thursday night and too much reading tends to make people not want to read. :]

White Flag

Tuesday was the first full day back. I answered the famous question, "How does it feel being back?" with a simple, "it feels weird, like it's a break and I will be returning." It wasn't until yesterday that it hit hard, I'm not going back, this is no break...I am here for the duration. As I grappled with this hard reality there were multiple thoughts going through my mind. "I know this is the next step but..." "I don't understand" "I have two families and one is in another country." "I don't understand, why is this so hard?" "I miss them." "Your plans are the best." Thankfully He never let's my mind stray so far that I forget His plans are the best and that He is in control. But "I am here for the duration" reminds me of something one of the speakers says at Caravan. he was speaking of his father being in the military and that his draft card said: For the duration. Until the job is done. At Caravan I was reminded daily of my commitment that I made, "I will go, I am committed for the duration." The job of all the nations knowing of how great our God is, is not completely therefore despite change in location the job is not done therefore I am still enlisted in fact my "draft card" should say, for eternity. I am His, completely. I say this all the time but it's because I need to remember it and being a human I forget, when I gave my life to Christ that meant I gave my life to Christ. No longer about me but solely about what God is about and his plans. And right now His plans are for me to be here. To use the same scripture from last week Jer. 29:11, Rom. 8:28 Ps. 37:23-24 His plans are for prospering not harming. I just finished reading "Jesus Creed" by Scot McKnight for school and he puts it perfectly, "This disciple is living a life of surrender. Sometimes it hurts, but disciples will tell you right away that surrendering to Jesus is a good kind of hurt." I'm surrendering and right now it's hard, my flesh is crying out wanting my way but never will it have it's way for I am not a slave to it. Jesus never once said it would be easy but He is worthy of all therefore, I surrender all. May my words and my actions begin reflect and back each other up, always.

Here's the simple white-flag prayer a disciple carries each day: "May your will be done."
_Jesus Creed, Scot McKnight

Thursdays

Thursday has been a special day since the beginning of this year. It marked the day that I would share with the groups at Caravan of things God is showing and teaching me. I always enjoyed those times because they were a time for me to look at each week and ask myself the question, "What is God teaching me?" Which is a question I should be asking every day, even if they are little lessons. And though I am not at Caravan any more I do not want to forget to ask that question. Thus this post. I will try to every Thursday write what God is teaching me that week. To keep myself in check but also to share so that His work be known and name be glorified. So later today I shall write a post of my learnings this week.

Hard but Good

God changed my heart in a matter of a moment. Instantly my life plans were changed around what does this mean about school now I can’t just major in missions unless I’m going to new tribes which I didn’t see. Truly God just changed my heart so quickly. I quickly learned that not only was this something that is commanded of us but I better not be going because I feel bad for the people, because I want to help them because those aren’t going to keep me out on the field. Going out for any other reason other than for His Name Sake will not keep me out on the field through culture shock. And he is the only one who can keep me out there, like the story brad told this morning about the guy who just couldn’t take it and left and faith & trust in Christ will keep me there. For His name Sake, that the nations will know Him. God taught me these things so quickly and I embraced them trying to run as hard as I can after what His plans are because that’s where I want my plans to be. And that’s how it’s been this past year being here. Being presented with hard things but accepting them and running hard. But this morning it hit hard. There was one point where Brad said what I want and what God wants those path rarely cross but still God’s will above all. And I’m going to be real honest with you all right now. I’m leaving in a couple of days and I do not want to go home. I’ve been here at Caravan for about 15 months. This is my home. The staff are my family. I say that still ever loving my blood family. But these people know me the best. They’ve seen all sides of me, all the growth, everything. They’ve been the ones I run to when I’m excited when somethings funny, when tears are falling, and on and on. They are my family and I do not want to leave them. I don’t. But when brad spoke this morning and said what I want and what God wants, those paths rarely cross…I remembered, what I want does not matter. Because the instant I gave my life to Christ – I gave my life to Christ. No longer my plans, my dreams, or my wants, but solely what God wants and what He is about. I know that my time here is done and that it is time to jump into a new season and that scares me because of all the unknown but I have confidence for only one reason: Jer. 29:11, Rom. 8:28 Ps. 37:23-24 God’s plans are the best. They are not to harm me and He will not give me anything I can’t handle, He is my stronghold. Does this mean it will be easy to leave my family? No. It’s never going to be easy but He didn’t promise that it would but He did promise that He would be with us and keep us. Matthew 28: 18- 20 I am with you always, to the end of the age. Though I am not going to a different nation when I leave here I will be going back in preparation for that and will be living a life worthy of the gospel because obedience doesn’t start when I’m in a different country it started when I gave my life to Christ and I have confidence because He is with me.