Hard headed or Somethin'

I was challenged early on this week to, "think outside the box." I had just got done telling my friend different stories about my time in Mexico specifically about my "try again" entry that I had written last August about Maldives and the following months of my brain processing different things. As soon as she said this I began to think, "what in the world does that look like?" I am a very inside the box thinker. Give me rules, direction and I'll follow but give me freedom and I almost don't know what to do with myself. As I began to think about this "outside the box" over the next couple of days I realized something that I have noticed before but it was another one of my "duh" moments; I like plans. I know that you are all thinking duh or possibly might have chuckled a bit because that is an obvious with me but like I said it was a "duh" moment. When God changed my life in a matter of a moment 4 years ago in Mexico once I returned I instantly began thinking, "what will/can I do as a vocation because I can't just major in missions?" At that time I was reading Mission to the Headhunters by Frank and Marie Drown and at one point she spoke of medicine and how that opened up doors to share the gospel and instantly I thought I can do this. Then there was the Maldives saga, ha, where I fought and fought then said alright I can do this. Again and again different things have "appeared" and I right away I say alright "lets conquer" or "woah what...well okay lets conquer." Then I thinking and wondering and seeing that maybe this isn't right. I go through pros and cons, maybe I don't make a list but mentally, oh yeah. think outside the box...

Back in July when the staff was on retreat we had one day where we were in silence and solitude. One of the things I so clearly understood that day was Trust God He has the plans for you (Jer. 29:11) and then...live by faith as Abraham did. The author of Hebrews comments on his faith in chapter 11 specifically I think of verse 8, "By faith Abraham, when called to go to a place he would later receive as his inheritance, obeyed and went, even though he did not know where he was going." (emphasis mine) God told him just a glimpse of the plan, God said go and gave him a promise.

The LORD had said to Abram, "Leave your country, your people and your father's household and go to the land I will show you.

"I will make you into a great nation
and I will bless you;
I will make your name great,
and you will be a blessing.

I will bless those who bless you,
and whoever curses you I will curse;
and all peoples on earth
will be blessed through you."(Gen. 12:1-3)

Put this into perspective. At this point Abraham had established a home with his wife and family, servants, his job, his life. Think about it in our terms today, Think about your life: where you live, your family, your friends, jobs, church family, your favorite places to go, etc. and then God says, "I want you to leave all of it and go to a new place where I'll show you but for now just go." ...wait you want me to do what? Okay well when will I get there? How far away? Do I get to come back and see my family? Is it hot or cold what do I need to bring? Can I leave in a month I need to finish somethings? I would be asking for clarifications, details, "benefits", wanting to know what exactly am I getting myself into. But this is key,

"So Abram left, as the LORD had told him..." (Gen.12:4)
"By faith Abraham, when called to go to a place he would later receive as his inheritance, obeyed and went, even though he did not know where he was going." (Heb. 11:8)

Abraham hears God's commands and goes. "He did not go in blind faith but in complete confidence in God's trustworthiness."(The study notes) Complete confidence in God. Thinking back to my constant switching of plans, my in the box thinking and right now feeling as though I'm in this "limbo" and wanting to yet again switch to another plan. This is something God has been hammering into my head since last summer (and I'm sure before) and you would think, "ya got it yet?" but man I just so badly want to be in control of things even without my knowing. Thankfully God knows me therefore he uses people (and a myriad of different things) to get through my thick head once again to teach me, Faith. Faith like Abraham. Have complete confidence in me. I know that my friend had intended me to be thinking out of the box about different things but God led me back to this lesson again which I so desperately needed. Just be still and have faith.


Psalm 46:10
Psalm 37

A little different thursday sharing

I was surrounded by a group of 300 plus students walking on the shoulder of the street making our ways to the sand dunes. Once we climbed the stairs to reach the sand we dispersed for an hour and a half of alone time. I sprinted up the dunes to my right finding the perfect spot with Silver Lake on my left and Lake Michigan on the right with sand of course everywhere in between. When I sat down looking upon His majesty. I couldn't help but sing praises. Sing beautiful and cannons by Phil Wickham which made me think of Ps. 104, which made me pray and sing more praises. How beautiful you are Lord!

Later after we returned to camp we entered the gym listening about Character :

where do I say one thing and do another?

the stuff you want to see happen can actually can happen…because of the power of the Holy Spirit in our lives

not so that we tell others how to live but challenge others by the way you live with that character

When we discussed these thoughts about Character afterwards we went around the group and talked about people we knew in our lives that exemplify godily character. One of the girls talked of someone she met in South Africa and because of visa problems she was threatened to be thrown into jail and this guy was going to make sure if that happened that he was going to be thrown in too compromising is reputation, etc. so he could protect her. And no matter who he talks to rich, middle, poor he was the same person. And I almost started crying it was crazy, I yearn so badly to have that character to be so in love with Christ it just overflows from me. And this is when the overwhelming continued from the morning sand dune time.

The next session was about Jesus being a servant washing his disciples feet– the last person expected to do the job is the one who did the job (john 3:1-17 & phil. 2:1-11)... we went back into our room(small group room) and our leader washed our feet. We sat in silence as she went around and when she came to me I just…I was in awe. I tried to picture Christ washing my feet and I would have responded like Peter, asking why you Lord? Then I was brought to tears by the fact that He did and then He was the ultimate servant and gave up His life… The rest of the night I was just in silence just in awe of God and wanting so badly to be like Him.

Oh Lord how majestic you are, may I continue to just delight in you. I am baffled by you, by salvation…it just wow I am in awe of you completely. Thank you Lord for delighting in me and allowing me to delight in you.

Camp

"thursday" blog is coming soon hopefully tomorrow. I wasn't able to write it last week because we were at camp last thursday to today and God taught me so much so I'm excited to tell you all soon. But I apologize for the delay I'm not going to stop writing just because I'm at school I just did not have a computer last thursday.

Yes it's been a week already or possibly, it's finally been a week

The transition being back home has been hard as I have said. One of the things I've notice the most is with routines. I knew that I have always liked routines but I was reminded of that as I have been back. I was so use to the way life worked down there. Everyday was filled with different things and even the days we had off were usually filled with exploring, shopping in the tiungis, replying back to the multiple messages we let pile up during the week, etc. whatever it might have been our days were filled. Last week my week was filled with school work, getting things for school, and other errands that needed to be done. But this week has been different. The days haven't been filled some of the evenings have but the days, nada. Which has thrown me into remembering everything and therefore missing everyone. Yesterday after the rain had subsided I went and sat on my front porch to read and write. I read through the daily reading in "My Utmost for His Highest." And my butt was kicked. For some reason coming home "granted" me forgetting all the things I was so aware of at Caravan. Such things as:

• being aware of the enemy trying to make me ineffective and unproductive (1 peter 5:8)
• not worrying- I know I have that tendency but cast all my cares upon Christ (1 peter5:7) "Worry implies that we don't quite trust that God is big enough, powerful enough, or loving enough to take care of what's happening in our lives." _Crazy Love, Francis Chan
• Wherever you are be all there.
• It's NOT about me.
  

I was allowing the fact that life now is not how is has been for the past fifteen months merit my attitude being down and letting my emotions control me. Of God knows when we need these kicks and He gave me mine in His perfect timing. Now I'm not saying that now everything is peachy keen, no it's still weird to be home and the transition is hard but when put into the correct perspective which is:

remember life isn't going to be easy because I have an enemy and he'll use whatever to keep me unproductive including my worry, emotions, and thinking it's about me. So often I forget this battle that we are fighting is not a war of flesh but of the spiritual realm which is real and my life isn't always reflecting that. I need to be putting on the armor of God and to be praying constantly (1 Thess. 5:17). Then also remembering it's not about me - my life is not my own it was bought at a price. God cares about my worries lay them at his feet and leave them there don't pick them back up the next day or even hour.

having that perspective does make things easier because God, the creator of DNA, supernovas, octves, humans, the world, the universe, that God...lives within us (followers, believers in Christ Jesus). When put into perspective it's easier. I still love and miss them but I know that we (me and my mcm family) are where we are suppose to be and that we are following God and saying, "Your will be done, not mine but Yours."

There was even more that God has been showing me this week from His Word and again through Chambers' "My Utmost for His Highest" but this would have been my "time" limit on a thursday night and too much reading tends to make people not want to read. :]

White Flag

Tuesday was the first full day back. I answered the famous question, "How does it feel being back?" with a simple, "it feels weird, like it's a break and I will be returning." It wasn't until yesterday that it hit hard, I'm not going back, this is no break...I am here for the duration. As I grappled with this hard reality there were multiple thoughts going through my mind. "I know this is the next step but..." "I don't understand" "I have two families and one is in another country." "I don't understand, why is this so hard?" "I miss them." "Your plans are the best." Thankfully He never let's my mind stray so far that I forget His plans are the best and that He is in control. But "I am here for the duration" reminds me of something one of the speakers says at Caravan. he was speaking of his father being in the military and that his draft card said: For the duration. Until the job is done. At Caravan I was reminded daily of my commitment that I made, "I will go, I am committed for the duration." The job of all the nations knowing of how great our God is, is not completely therefore despite change in location the job is not done therefore I am still enlisted in fact my "draft card" should say, for eternity. I am His, completely. I say this all the time but it's because I need to remember it and being a human I forget, when I gave my life to Christ that meant I gave my life to Christ. No longer about me but solely about what God is about and his plans. And right now His plans are for me to be here. To use the same scripture from last week Jer. 29:11, Rom. 8:28 Ps. 37:23-24 His plans are for prospering not harming. I just finished reading "Jesus Creed" by Scot McKnight for school and he puts it perfectly, "This disciple is living a life of surrender. Sometimes it hurts, but disciples will tell you right away that surrendering to Jesus is a good kind of hurt." I'm surrendering and right now it's hard, my flesh is crying out wanting my way but never will it have it's way for I am not a slave to it. Jesus never once said it would be easy but He is worthy of all therefore, I surrender all. May my words and my actions begin reflect and back each other up, always.

Here's the simple white-flag prayer a disciple carries each day: "May your will be done."
_Jesus Creed, Scot McKnight

Thursdays

Thursday has been a special day since the beginning of this year. It marked the day that I would share with the groups at Caravan of things God is showing and teaching me. I always enjoyed those times because they were a time for me to look at each week and ask myself the question, "What is God teaching me?" Which is a question I should be asking every day, even if they are little lessons. And though I am not at Caravan any more I do not want to forget to ask that question. Thus this post. I will try to every Thursday write what God is teaching me that week. To keep myself in check but also to share so that His work be known and name be glorified. So later today I shall write a post of my learnings this week.

Hard but Good

God changed my heart in a matter of a moment. Instantly my life plans were changed around what does this mean about school now I can’t just major in missions unless I’m going to new tribes which I didn’t see. Truly God just changed my heart so quickly. I quickly learned that not only was this something that is commanded of us but I better not be going because I feel bad for the people, because I want to help them because those aren’t going to keep me out on the field. Going out for any other reason other than for His Name Sake will not keep me out on the field through culture shock. And he is the only one who can keep me out there, like the story brad told this morning about the guy who just couldn’t take it and left and faith & trust in Christ will keep me there. For His name Sake, that the nations will know Him. God taught me these things so quickly and I embraced them trying to run as hard as I can after what His plans are because that’s where I want my plans to be. And that’s how it’s been this past year being here. Being presented with hard things but accepting them and running hard. But this morning it hit hard. There was one point where Brad said what I want and what God wants those path rarely cross but still God’s will above all. And I’m going to be real honest with you all right now. I’m leaving in a couple of days and I do not want to go home. I’ve been here at Caravan for about 15 months. This is my home. The staff are my family. I say that still ever loving my blood family. But these people know me the best. They’ve seen all sides of me, all the growth, everything. They’ve been the ones I run to when I’m excited when somethings funny, when tears are falling, and on and on. They are my family and I do not want to leave them. I don’t. But when brad spoke this morning and said what I want and what God wants, those paths rarely cross…I remembered, what I want does not matter. Because the instant I gave my life to Christ – I gave my life to Christ. No longer my plans, my dreams, or my wants, but solely what God wants and what He is about. I know that my time here is done and that it is time to jump into a new season and that scares me because of all the unknown but I have confidence for only one reason: Jer. 29:11, Rom. 8:28 Ps. 37:23-24 God’s plans are the best. They are not to harm me and He will not give me anything I can’t handle, He is my stronghold. Does this mean it will be easy to leave my family? No. It’s never going to be easy but He didn’t promise that it would but He did promise that He would be with us and keep us. Matthew 28: 18- 20 I am with you always, to the end of the age. Though I am not going to a different nation when I leave here I will be going back in preparation for that and will be living a life worthy of the gospel because obedience doesn’t start when I’m in a different country it started when I gave my life to Christ and I have confidence because He is with me.