Yes it's been a week already or possibly, it's finally been a week

The transition being back home has been hard as I have said. One of the things I've notice the most is with routines. I knew that I have always liked routines but I was reminded of that as I have been back. I was so use to the way life worked down there. Everyday was filled with different things and even the days we had off were usually filled with exploring, shopping in the tiungis, replying back to the multiple messages we let pile up during the week, etc. whatever it might have been our days were filled. Last week my week was filled with school work, getting things for school, and other errands that needed to be done. But this week has been different. The days haven't been filled some of the evenings have but the days, nada. Which has thrown me into remembering everything and therefore missing everyone. Yesterday after the rain had subsided I went and sat on my front porch to read and write. I read through the daily reading in "My Utmost for His Highest." And my butt was kicked. For some reason coming home "granted" me forgetting all the things I was so aware of at Caravan. Such things as:

• being aware of the enemy trying to make me ineffective and unproductive (1 peter 5:8)
• not worrying- I know I have that tendency but cast all my cares upon Christ (1 peter5:7) "Worry implies that we don't quite trust that God is big enough, powerful enough, or loving enough to take care of what's happening in our lives." _Crazy Love, Francis Chan
• Wherever you are be all there.
• It's NOT about me.
  

I was allowing the fact that life now is not how is has been for the past fifteen months merit my attitude being down and letting my emotions control me. Of God knows when we need these kicks and He gave me mine in His perfect timing. Now I'm not saying that now everything is peachy keen, no it's still weird to be home and the transition is hard but when put into the correct perspective which is:

remember life isn't going to be easy because I have an enemy and he'll use whatever to keep me unproductive including my worry, emotions, and thinking it's about me. So often I forget this battle that we are fighting is not a war of flesh but of the spiritual realm which is real and my life isn't always reflecting that. I need to be putting on the armor of God and to be praying constantly (1 Thess. 5:17). Then also remembering it's not about me - my life is not my own it was bought at a price. God cares about my worries lay them at his feet and leave them there don't pick them back up the next day or even hour.

having that perspective does make things easier because God, the creator of DNA, supernovas, octves, humans, the world, the universe, that God...lives within us (followers, believers in Christ Jesus). When put into perspective it's easier. I still love and miss them but I know that we (me and my mcm family) are where we are suppose to be and that we are following God and saying, "Your will be done, not mine but Yours."

There was even more that God has been showing me this week from His Word and again through Chambers' "My Utmost for His Highest" but this would have been my "time" limit on a thursday night and too much reading tends to make people not want to read. :]

White Flag

Tuesday was the first full day back. I answered the famous question, "How does it feel being back?" with a simple, "it feels weird, like it's a break and I will be returning." It wasn't until yesterday that it hit hard, I'm not going back, this is no break...I am here for the duration. As I grappled with this hard reality there were multiple thoughts going through my mind. "I know this is the next step but..." "I don't understand" "I have two families and one is in another country." "I don't understand, why is this so hard?" "I miss them." "Your plans are the best." Thankfully He never let's my mind stray so far that I forget His plans are the best and that He is in control. But "I am here for the duration" reminds me of something one of the speakers says at Caravan. he was speaking of his father being in the military and that his draft card said: For the duration. Until the job is done. At Caravan I was reminded daily of my commitment that I made, "I will go, I am committed for the duration." The job of all the nations knowing of how great our God is, is not completely therefore despite change in location the job is not done therefore I am still enlisted in fact my "draft card" should say, for eternity. I am His, completely. I say this all the time but it's because I need to remember it and being a human I forget, when I gave my life to Christ that meant I gave my life to Christ. No longer about me but solely about what God is about and his plans. And right now His plans are for me to be here. To use the same scripture from last week Jer. 29:11, Rom. 8:28 Ps. 37:23-24 His plans are for prospering not harming. I just finished reading "Jesus Creed" by Scot McKnight for school and he puts it perfectly, "This disciple is living a life of surrender. Sometimes it hurts, but disciples will tell you right away that surrendering to Jesus is a good kind of hurt." I'm surrendering and right now it's hard, my flesh is crying out wanting my way but never will it have it's way for I am not a slave to it. Jesus never once said it would be easy but He is worthy of all therefore, I surrender all. May my words and my actions begin reflect and back each other up, always.

Here's the simple white-flag prayer a disciple carries each day: "May your will be done."
_Jesus Creed, Scot McKnight

Thursdays

Thursday has been a special day since the beginning of this year. It marked the day that I would share with the groups at Caravan of things God is showing and teaching me. I always enjoyed those times because they were a time for me to look at each week and ask myself the question, "What is God teaching me?" Which is a question I should be asking every day, even if they are little lessons. And though I am not at Caravan any more I do not want to forget to ask that question. Thus this post. I will try to every Thursday write what God is teaching me that week. To keep myself in check but also to share so that His work be known and name be glorified. So later today I shall write a post of my learnings this week.

Hard but Good

God changed my heart in a matter of a moment. Instantly my life plans were changed around what does this mean about school now I can’t just major in missions unless I’m going to new tribes which I didn’t see. Truly God just changed my heart so quickly. I quickly learned that not only was this something that is commanded of us but I better not be going because I feel bad for the people, because I want to help them because those aren’t going to keep me out on the field. Going out for any other reason other than for His Name Sake will not keep me out on the field through culture shock. And he is the only one who can keep me out there, like the story brad told this morning about the guy who just couldn’t take it and left and faith & trust in Christ will keep me there. For His name Sake, that the nations will know Him. God taught me these things so quickly and I embraced them trying to run as hard as I can after what His plans are because that’s where I want my plans to be. And that’s how it’s been this past year being here. Being presented with hard things but accepting them and running hard. But this morning it hit hard. There was one point where Brad said what I want and what God wants those path rarely cross but still God’s will above all. And I’m going to be real honest with you all right now. I’m leaving in a couple of days and I do not want to go home. I’ve been here at Caravan for about 15 months. This is my home. The staff are my family. I say that still ever loving my blood family. But these people know me the best. They’ve seen all sides of me, all the growth, everything. They’ve been the ones I run to when I’m excited when somethings funny, when tears are falling, and on and on. They are my family and I do not want to leave them. I don’t. But when brad spoke this morning and said what I want and what God wants, those paths rarely cross…I remembered, what I want does not matter. Because the instant I gave my life to Christ – I gave my life to Christ. No longer my plans, my dreams, or my wants, but solely what God wants and what He is about. I know that my time here is done and that it is time to jump into a new season and that scares me because of all the unknown but I have confidence for only one reason: Jer. 29:11, Rom. 8:28 Ps. 37:23-24 God’s plans are the best. They are not to harm me and He will not give me anything I can’t handle, He is my stronghold. Does this mean it will be easy to leave my family? No. It’s never going to be easy but He didn’t promise that it would but He did promise that He would be with us and keep us. Matthew 28: 18- 20 I am with you always, to the end of the age. Though I am not going to a different nation when I leave here I will be going back in preparation for that and will be living a life worthy of the gospel because obedience doesn’t start when I’m in a different country it started when I gave my life to Christ and I have confidence because He is with me.

End is near.

The end is near and each day is getting harder and harder.

Summer and Myself

This week comes July, I can't believe that we are already a month into the summer making us almost to the middle of the summer...Last summer seemed to have gone slower verse the starlight speed its going this year.

We have 13 staff members with a potential 14th coming in late due to family priorities. There are 6 girls and 7 guys. 5 are from California; 2 from Edmonton, AB, Canada; 2 from Indiana; 1 Nebraska; 1 Washington; 1 Kentucky; and then me. Ages range from 18-23 and quite the different personalities.

(above picture: missing Andy and Andrew)

A couple days after different staff came in friendships immediately started to bloom. I love how god does that. He brings together a group of people from all over with different personalities, gifts, strengths, weaknesses, purpose for being here, and truly brings us together. There are definitely times when we all want our own space but I see such a potential in this staff. If we continue to seek after God and put each other first then I know that God will do amazing things through us this summer.

more pictures to come later. I have to wait for people to load them onto the computer first.

More then just saying "yes"

The other day I was checking my emails and messages when I came across pictures of one of my closest friend's graduation pictures. One specific picture had three of my other good friends with her at her graduation, celebrating in this great joyous day, but I wasn't there. Then I got an email from my sister; my brother in-law is getting baptized. He's been a believer for a few years now but has never been baptized another huge day but I can't be there. With looking at those I was struck, this is going to be my life. I'm not going to be home for Christmas, birthdays, or other Holidays, watch my nephews get older, see friends get married or have kids...and I'll be honest I almost started to cry. I want to be there for those events, support those I love, be there for them. I want to be there but this is when I have to step back and see the whole picture. When Jesus died He didn't die just for me. John 3:16, "For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life." It never said, "For God so loved Kendra that he gave his one and only Son, that if she believes in him she shall have eternal life." No. He died for the World. Then in that moment of staring at those pictures there was a glimpse oh so small of me thinking, "Could I stay home?" But God shut that down right away bringing to mind Jesus Christ's last commands:

Matthew 28:18-20 "Then Jesus came to them and said, "All authority in heaven and on earth has been given to me. Therefore go and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit, and teaching them to obey everything I have commanded you. And surely I am with you always, to the very end of the age."

Mark 16:15 "He said to them, "Go into all the world and preach the good news to all creation."

Luke 24:45-47 "Then he opened their minds so they could understand the Scriptures. He told them, 'This is what is written: The Christ will suffer and rise from the dead on the third day, and repentance and forgiveness of sins will be preached in his name to all nations, beginning at Jerusalem."

Acts 1:8 "But you will receive power when the Holy Spirit comes on you; and you will be my witnesses in Jerusalem, and in all Judea and Samaria, and to the ends of the earth."


But then this verse came into my mind as well, 1 Corinthians 6:19-20 "Do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own; you were bought at a price. Therefore honor God with your body." You are not your own...As soon as I gave my life to Christ that meant, I gave my life to Him. I am not my own. I no longer have the right to live out what I want for this life is not my own. I need to be about God and his wants, His plans and His are about redeeming His people back. But I grew up in the church, I heard "this life is not my own" all the time but I had to take it back to its original meaning not what we've made it to be, have whatever you want then Christ can have your life. Pursue your dreams then let Christ have your life. No the original meaning that the apostles but who I specifically wan to bring up, Paul understood. In His letters he starts them off with, "Paul a servant of Christ Jesus." Servant - not your own, belonging to another. In those same moments of staring at those pictures more was brought to my mind not only that following Christ costs my dreams, my career, my ideal family situation (living next to them all), but literally my life. I for whatever reason separate giving up my dreams, wants etc. life and physically my life. But they are the same giving up my life means both of those. I still remember last August when I had this first revelation - when I say "I will go, Lord send me." that death is (most likely) involved. But if this life is not mine then why should it matter? In Acts 21 Paul's friends are saying don't go to Jerusalem because of persecution there but Paul got that this life was not about him with his response in verse 13, "Then Paul answered, "Why are you weeping and breaking my heart? I am ready not only to be bound, but also to die in Jerusalem for the name of the Lord Jesus."

This life has to be about His dreams passions and desires not about me. He died for the World. There's an old Arabic proverb that says, "The greatest crime in the desert is finding water and not telling anyone." I have the water, I have to tell those who don't know. I was given commands...I have to obey. Is it going to be easy all the time? No it will probably be a hard journey most of the time but HE is worth it. Will/do I miss seeing my nephews grow up, being at my families birthdays and other family get togethers, seeing my friends graduate, seeing them get married, and other things? Yes but what is more important me or God? And I can also praise Him because I know we (family, some of my friends, and I) will live in eternity with Christ. So why not live for eternal things now? Why not live for Him who sent His son for me? I have no excuse. I will go Lord, send me.


If Jesus Christ be God and died for me, then no sacrifice can be too great for me to make for Him.
_C.T. Studd