hospital visits, emergency meetings, a to do list like a scroll, and a stress level spilling the mercury.

Sometimes I get these feelings where I just know "this" time, whatever that may be, is going to be really hard. Usually I think back on that moment after that hard period and think "right I remember that" and I move on only this time I can't forget it and maybe it's hard to move on because everything is still deteriorating.

There was a time I was sitting on a mower over by the seminary building listening to Francis Chan as I cut the lawn in the summer afternoon. He spoke from 2 Peter 1:5-8. The part engraved in my head is what he said about perseverance. (not all these thoughts are from that podcast but rather me processing and thinking) We pray for a lot of these other attibutes in this text but we don't seem to pray for perseverance...because perseverance, to develop it requires trial. So if we do pray for it do we really want it? Do we really want trials? Hard crappy times? But if we look at the end in verse 8, "For if these qualities are yours and are increasing, they keep you from being ineffective or unfruitful in the knowledge of our Lord Jesus Christ."....If perseverance is yours (hence you've gone through trials and remained steadfast and strong in the Lord) and is increasing (continuing to go through trials to develop this trait) - whew... So to continue to struggle so that we may continue to have the opportunity to grow in perseverance and therefore keeping us from becoming ineffective and unfruitful in the knowledge of our Lord Jesus Christ. fruitful in our knowledge: being in struggles and remaining steadfast developing that perseverance allows us to know Jesus better.

Indeed, I count everything as loss because of the surpassing worth of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord. For his sake I have suffered the loss of all things and count them as rubbish, in order that I may gain Christ and be found in him, not having a righteousness of my own that comes from the law, but that which comes through faith in Christ, the righteousness from God that depends on faith— that I may know him and the power of his resurrection, and may share his sufferings, becoming like him in his death, that by any means possible I may attain the resurrection from the dead. phil 3:8-11

Now I rejoice in my sufferings for your sake, and in my flesh I am filling up what is lacking in Christ's afflictions for the sake of his body, that is, the church col 1:24

Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds, for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness. And let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing. James 1:2-4

Beloved, do not be surprised at the fiery trial when it comes upon you to test you, as though something strange were happening to you. But rejoice insofar as you share Christ's sufferings, that you may also rejoice and be glad when his glory is revealed. 1 peter 4:12-13

As I sat on that mower thinking and realizing, to the fullest capacity my brain is able, what asking that would mean. It was a frightening thought because while I am one who doesn't like to be comfortable because I want grow, I don't want hard crappy times. I will go to a "scary" city, give up of material things but to be in hard crappy times that's a different uncomfortable I don't like. But still in that moment and truly now even despite everything I want(ed) to know Jesus. And so if that takes hard crappy times I want(ed) to know Jesus. So I asked Jesus give me opportunities to grow in perseverance and as soon as I did I had that feeling, the next year is going to be hard. I asked Jesus that last summer and this year not being this annual year but since that day has been hard and crappy. "For if these qualities are yours and are increasing, they keep you from being ineffective or unfruitful in the knowledge of our Lord Jesus Christ."

mmm but Jesus...He is Sovereign and He is love. He has conquered. I don't understand but I know He will provide, comfort, direct, and grow.

Poems, rendering, and erasers

I'm listening to a new song that declares the story of Jesus... He came for the broken, the hurting, for th nations.What a Savior. He who knew no sin...became sin...for such a wretched person as I, for such a person who He knew would wander. Oh Father pull me in. Wondrous Savior, precious Jesus, Holy Holy God pull me in. Take away all imperfections. Every day renew my spirit so that I can continually come closer to you. Make me your perfect art work Lord.

I just finished watching my friend draw a portrait. From the first basic shape to the signature, I saw the facial structure change again and again as she strived to capture the age, the texture, the emotion. She had to erase the imperfections so that the portrait matched the picture she was drawing from. I sat in awe as I watched her know exactly which graphite weight to use, of each stroke of her charcoal, of each eraser mark.... there was one point when I asked her placement of something. She just smiled and assured me that one she was finished it would all fit.

I was reminded, I am Christ's workmanship...His poem (the Greek) (Eph. 2:8-10). In the same way my friend had to refine her drawing and as all artists do, there is refining in life as well. I wonder if art could speak what emotions it would express as it was continually being changed...would it be similar to the painful times the imperfections are being chipped away? similar to when I am being refined? Oh but for the day that is coming when my precious and holy Jesus returns, on that day His work in me will be complete (Phil 1:6). For the moment all discipline seems painful rather than pleasant, but later it yields the peaceful fruit of righteousness to those who have been trained by it (Heb 12:11).

Continue to erase what needs to be Father. Shape and mold me to you. Make my desires your own. Take me through these hard times so that I may be more like you on the other side (of the struggles). Oh I long for that day Jesus, to be with You perfectly.

a bomb in a china room

It's more than my thing...
Does it man they are being disobedient? Why is this such a burdened? Why do I have eyes to see this? Can I not help others see it too? I'm the bomb in a china room, shards of glass flying about the room but I am I just breaking hearts? You broke me into action. No more play Holy Spirit but how then do I make others see? I set off bombs. I'm tired of nothing happening. Why does logic work in every other situation? I don't get it. It's not about me and my passion nor you. What happened to apostolic passion? Move people. Open your eyes and see this was not give to you for you. See that people are damned. Does that not move you? Where is your pulse? Jog the memory and see a dark light weekend. Do you not remember the heap laid upon one man? Remember your closet of hidden chains...He took them. Don't you remember that day wen you were freed? Are you wearing them now...no you are still free. Well free citizen it is not liberty for you alone. Remember the faces in National Geographic, on the commercials you quickly turn to your favorite sitcom, the ones you see in the campaigns Bono supports, the faces... the beautiful faces are damned and this is my thing? My passion? They don't need to hear of liberty and love, don't worry those are just for you... I'm sure that is what the lover said too when He set you free. Pardon my sarcasm and crass speech, I'm just setting off another bomb. It's not my fault. This, glory, worship, justice, and salvation, is what is inside and your shit is setting it off. Move, this life is not about you.

conversations over tea

I have always been the one to push the seams. Not in the sense of rules inside school, ha no I was the "to the T" person, but in the sense of Christianity. Maybe I shouldn't use the word always because growing up I followed suit of the subculture around me, I knew nothing different, however there was a time my Father grabbed me shook off my blindness. Scales fell off of my eyes, not the ones like Paul's, but the one's that blinded me from seeing fully His plan. And from then on I have pushed.

I don't push because I think its fun to have a lot of people disagree with me or have separations in relationships or to be different or because I think I'm better but because only one opinion matters and that's Christ's. Other books and significant others in life have great things to say, believe me I love sitting down with some tea and have a great conversation whether it be a person or through a book - those conversations that challenge and encourage...yet ultimately, man's words. So when I see that church is no longer a group of people but a building, clanging symbols instead of day to day "getting the hands dirty" living, billions of people who have little to no opportunity to hear the gospel, a growing pile of shoes and sweaters and cars, a service that has to be this is exact way with this exact music, etc. etc. etc. I push with intention to break seams. I'm not saying all of these are wrong...but I'm asking are they Biblical...which ha I guess would they say they are wrong if they aren't biblical. No I'm not trying to be legalistic. Oh these past week I have realized that there is nothing in my...in me that is good that can save, nothing. It is only by Jesus. I push because I want Jesus and nothing else. I push because I want others to want Jesus and nothing else.

Along with my pushing, I have seen this work best as I am strong and stubborn...only how does one continue to push when strength subsides as all is not kept well together in spotless place. Am I ever pushing those seams, yes...oh I am stubborn and I still want Jesus more than anything and want others to want Him more than anything. But the clear vision of where I'm pushing personally has been scaled. I have pleaded to be broken as He is, to be thrown off my high horse that I love riding...only I am always surprised when He does it. But this, this is different. There are so many more elements or maybe just bigger. I was talking to a friend today over some tea (cherished moment), she called it sanctification, "If this isn't sanctification I don't know what is..." It's being pummeled from the front while He's the only thing holding me up in the back...of course that's not the theological definition but He is so holy that He is refining, break down those pieces and sifting sifting sifting those things out so that I come out more pure. This way, Jesus gets all the fame and honor...not this one. oh pride fall. mmm still I want Jesus more than anything, oh Lord..continue.

boxing match.

I had the beautiful opportunity to return to a city once hated and now...I like very much. The drive down was filled a stormy mix of snow and rain but as we drew closer to the snow became sporadic until we came upon a beautifully painted sky that was the city's backdrop. It was a weekend filled with people from all different nations with brothers and sisters from each. Most of the weekend I was observing the lovely ladies I went down with and processing with them therefore my sorting out didn't really happen. I anticipated certain things late Saturday night as I sat curled up next to the heater with my journal. Knowing fair well that tomorrow leaving would be hard...again. I kept asking the same thing over and over. I couldn't quite figure it all out. Why is my heart pulled in so many different directions? On our drive back I made the mistake of sighing at one point which spurred on several questions. one individual said "I can't wait to see you in a couple weeks...I think it's interesting that you feel so strongly about that place when you aren't even going to be living there some day." Two places that every time I leave I fight back so much...so then I wonder what this all means as I plan to head elsewhere. Oh precious Jesus, chip off those pieces. I'm swinging...swing back but also let me be at your feet and in your arms. This is like the drive. Where its a stormy mess yet at one point soon there will be a beautiful sky to behold. I'm swinging. chip away the pieces.

Effect of Salvation daily?

"We have salvation. It needs to effect our every day lives."



Penned by a dear friend:

Why do we give the devil a foothold with our words? With our attitudes?

Every time we get together, or even in our conversation with those around us..."I am so tired. I have so much homework. I am so stressed out. I have no time. I I I me me me me."

Why do we speak it? Why do we glorify Satan with our words and lack of trust? Why is it all about us? me me me me.

Stop speaking it! Stop letting every other Christian on this campus and off this campus, how much Satan has a foothold in your life! We spend more time giving the update on how Satan is dragging us down than on how God is lifting us up! How He is SO mighty and bigger than all things. Bigger than our schedules, bigger than our relationship problems, bigger than our speck of existence on this dirt clot! HE HAS WON THE VICTORY OVER SIN AND DEATH, AND WE CAN'T SEEM TO STOP TALKING ABOUT WHAT SATAN IS DOING IN OUR LIVES!!! What is going on!?!

THIS STOPS NOW.

We are not building up the kingdom. Christ has brought us out of the dominion of darkness and into the Kingdom of light! What a glorious thought that through Christ who gives me strength...I CAN DO ALL THINGS. If we really believe that, why are our mouths saying something completely different? Are we kingdom people or not? Can our God do all things or not? Am I His or not?

I am nothing without him. I can do nothing without him. Am I speaking that? Or is it just a happy thought in my head? Am i living that or is it just a catchy phrase? My existence, brief as it is, is not really mine at all. I belong to Him. The powerful one. The mighty one. The one that NEVER loses. EVER. EVER. EVER. The one who is ever-faithful, ever-loving, ever-righteous and ever-holy.

Why? How.....

His love for me....

His love for me....

His love for me....

Run with me... toward HIM. The one who's love is immeasurable! How great his love for you for me!

This changes now.

Sweet Cherished Brokenness

the past month and specifically this week has been one of unexpecteds and igotnothinglefts. I'm being stretched in 3 different ways with foundation that was crumbling. I once prayed a prayer at the beginning of the summer "make me desperate for you." There was one time Jesus told me "daughter, you are prideful. Take heart I have grace and I will mold you." So I prayed "make me become nothing." There was a time last year as I sat in a room with three women and answered their question with, "because I am least qualified. because I will have to rest completely on God and it will be very evident this is not by my power." This fall began and so did the stretching and crumbling but God used me in spite of myself all awhile letting me fall. breaking pride. ringing me dry of self. Now I plead, repent, cry, worship, and strive no longer in or by self but once again back to my maker. to my Father. oh precious Jesus, I don't understand your love, your grace.. oh precious Jesus there's something about Your name Master, Savior, Jesus. sweet cherished brokenness.