conversations over tea

I have always been the one to push the seams. Not in the sense of rules inside school, ha no I was the "to the T" person, but in the sense of Christianity. Maybe I shouldn't use the word always because growing up I followed suit of the subculture around me, I knew nothing different, however there was a time my Father grabbed me shook off my blindness. Scales fell off of my eyes, not the ones like Paul's, but the one's that blinded me from seeing fully His plan. And from then on I have pushed.

I don't push because I think its fun to have a lot of people disagree with me or have separations in relationships or to be different or because I think I'm better but because only one opinion matters and that's Christ's. Other books and significant others in life have great things to say, believe me I love sitting down with some tea and have a great conversation whether it be a person or through a book - those conversations that challenge and encourage...yet ultimately, man's words. So when I see that church is no longer a group of people but a building, clanging symbols instead of day to day "getting the hands dirty" living, billions of people who have little to no opportunity to hear the gospel, a growing pile of shoes and sweaters and cars, a service that has to be this is exact way with this exact music, etc. etc. etc. I push with intention to break seams. I'm not saying all of these are wrong...but I'm asking are they Biblical...which ha I guess would they say they are wrong if they aren't biblical. No I'm not trying to be legalistic. Oh these past week I have realized that there is nothing in my...in me that is good that can save, nothing. It is only by Jesus. I push because I want Jesus and nothing else. I push because I want others to want Jesus and nothing else.

Along with my pushing, I have seen this work best as I am strong and stubborn...only how does one continue to push when strength subsides as all is not kept well together in spotless place. Am I ever pushing those seams, yes...oh I am stubborn and I still want Jesus more than anything and want others to want Him more than anything. But the clear vision of where I'm pushing personally has been scaled. I have pleaded to be broken as He is, to be thrown off my high horse that I love riding...only I am always surprised when He does it. But this, this is different. There are so many more elements or maybe just bigger. I was talking to a friend today over some tea (cherished moment), she called it sanctification, "If this isn't sanctification I don't know what is..." It's being pummeled from the front while He's the only thing holding me up in the back...of course that's not the theological definition but He is so holy that He is refining, break down those pieces and sifting sifting sifting those things out so that I come out more pure. This way, Jesus gets all the fame and honor...not this one. oh pride fall. mmm still I want Jesus more than anything, oh Lord..continue.

boxing match.

I had the beautiful opportunity to return to a city once hated and now...I like very much. The drive down was filled a stormy mix of snow and rain but as we drew closer to the snow became sporadic until we came upon a beautifully painted sky that was the city's backdrop. It was a weekend filled with people from all different nations with brothers and sisters from each. Most of the weekend I was observing the lovely ladies I went down with and processing with them therefore my sorting out didn't really happen. I anticipated certain things late Saturday night as I sat curled up next to the heater with my journal. Knowing fair well that tomorrow leaving would be hard...again. I kept asking the same thing over and over. I couldn't quite figure it all out. Why is my heart pulled in so many different directions? On our drive back I made the mistake of sighing at one point which spurred on several questions. one individual said "I can't wait to see you in a couple weeks...I think it's interesting that you feel so strongly about that place when you aren't even going to be living there some day." Two places that every time I leave I fight back so much...so then I wonder what this all means as I plan to head elsewhere. Oh precious Jesus, chip off those pieces. I'm swinging...swing back but also let me be at your feet and in your arms. This is like the drive. Where its a stormy mess yet at one point soon there will be a beautiful sky to behold. I'm swinging. chip away the pieces.

Effect of Salvation daily?

"We have salvation. It needs to effect our every day lives."



Penned by a dear friend:

Why do we give the devil a foothold with our words? With our attitudes?

Every time we get together, or even in our conversation with those around us..."I am so tired. I have so much homework. I am so stressed out. I have no time. I I I me me me me."

Why do we speak it? Why do we glorify Satan with our words and lack of trust? Why is it all about us? me me me me.

Stop speaking it! Stop letting every other Christian on this campus and off this campus, how much Satan has a foothold in your life! We spend more time giving the update on how Satan is dragging us down than on how God is lifting us up! How He is SO mighty and bigger than all things. Bigger than our schedules, bigger than our relationship problems, bigger than our speck of existence on this dirt clot! HE HAS WON THE VICTORY OVER SIN AND DEATH, AND WE CAN'T SEEM TO STOP TALKING ABOUT WHAT SATAN IS DOING IN OUR LIVES!!! What is going on!?!

THIS STOPS NOW.

We are not building up the kingdom. Christ has brought us out of the dominion of darkness and into the Kingdom of light! What a glorious thought that through Christ who gives me strength...I CAN DO ALL THINGS. If we really believe that, why are our mouths saying something completely different? Are we kingdom people or not? Can our God do all things or not? Am I His or not?

I am nothing without him. I can do nothing without him. Am I speaking that? Or is it just a happy thought in my head? Am i living that or is it just a catchy phrase? My existence, brief as it is, is not really mine at all. I belong to Him. The powerful one. The mighty one. The one that NEVER loses. EVER. EVER. EVER. The one who is ever-faithful, ever-loving, ever-righteous and ever-holy.

Why? How.....

His love for me....

His love for me....

His love for me....

Run with me... toward HIM. The one who's love is immeasurable! How great his love for you for me!

This changes now.

Sweet Cherished Brokenness

the past month and specifically this week has been one of unexpecteds and igotnothinglefts. I'm being stretched in 3 different ways with foundation that was crumbling. I once prayed a prayer at the beginning of the summer "make me desperate for you." There was one time Jesus told me "daughter, you are prideful. Take heart I have grace and I will mold you." So I prayed "make me become nothing." There was a time last year as I sat in a room with three women and answered their question with, "because I am least qualified. because I will have to rest completely on God and it will be very evident this is not by my power." This fall began and so did the stretching and crumbling but God used me in spite of myself all awhile letting me fall. breaking pride. ringing me dry of self. Now I plead, repent, cry, worship, and strive no longer in or by self but once again back to my maker. to my Father. oh precious Jesus, I don't understand your love, your grace.. oh precious Jesus there's something about Your name Master, Savior, Jesus. sweet cherished brokenness.

the more knowledge

How are you suppose to respond when you hear the devastating history of the Holocaust knowing that it is history but then hear of Sudan knowing that is current life? When you watch a documentary that takes you into the brothels and know human trafficking is the fast growing crime and it exist even in the most conservative cities in America? When you realize your stomach growls a couple hours after eating your third meal when their are a multitude of kids starving to death? When you open your bottled water and your tap is fine but there are those who have to walk miles to get to the only clean water around them? When you hear that violence increases in villages simply because they don't have electricity? When you watch the real story (not the news version) of three men from three different religions who live in Bethlehem and their lives are utter chaos from war? When you hear that people are dieing of a preventable disease? When you see a family of 6 living in a scrap shanty while you know people who have two houses? When you begin to understand by the slightest glimpse from people's stories and pictures the depth of the slums in India? When you learn more and more of the devastation of poverty? .... what do you do? Father I am so overwhelmed. I know, I know Jesus is enough. The gospel is enough. period. I know these things but my heart is breaking...I'm overwhelmed. Father you are enough.

I need a roof top conversation today

As I was riding my bike around with no destination I passed a patch of lawn that I reseeded this summer; it finally looked good. There were only a few patches that were left but it had taken two and a half months to get there. I remember the weed bed that it once was. It took a couple rounds of weed kill...days to let them die...time to lay new soil, reseed, rake, water...days of more watering...but still it looked like patchy grass and dead weeds. Then about a month later, there was a thin layer of grass that allowed you to still see the ground beneath. All of us who worked on that area thought we would have to reseed it again next summer because it was failing to grow in well. Now today I return and it's a beautiful thick green patch, it just needed time and persistent care. Sporadically in the new green patch sprouted weeds. Ruined. All that work and time worthless....or just more work... all it needed was for me to bend down and pull it out. I couldn't use weed killer even thought that is easier. The spray would kill the grass. It required specific attention. Not all is waste. It's not a one time weed, seed, water and it's good but it needs constantly specific attention.

no list.

if balanced means you can have a little of everything and then sprinkle a little Jesus on top - have your balance, I want Jesus!