not in control

the feeling of hopelessness. but not in the general sense. life is good. i never write about the good i feel like, i'm sorry just normally when i write it's to get things out and try to understand what exactly is going on in my head. but really life is good, which now thinking this through ha it all makes sense..well i mean as much as it can so alright let's back up so you understand what i'm saying as well.

hopeless. lately i've been writing about the feeling of immobility. As if i'm not helping and loving others, that i'm reading the Bible but the words pass through and once again like a couple of years ago its just a text book, that life is just a day to day survive almost. now again its not that i've lost my faith by any means i have just felt stuck. and that's what i mean by hopeless.


then there's always the addition to the random things of every day. the stress: my whole life school has come easy, i've always enjoyed learning, and working in school, but this class...i work really hard to in understand, get a good grade, and pass the AP test coming up to get college credits.

or how about friendships? i don't know what it is but my whole life...there have been certain people i have gotten really close to then something(s) happen and we don't talk or we barely talk...and recently this year it has occurred again. Or with friendships, i get along with people older then me more often because...i don't know but then obviously there's a lot of times i feel like the stupid younger kid who always wants to hang around. Or with friendships, i get along with someone pretty well but they leave or i leave(trips). And friends are a huge part in my life. they're large impact on my life.

Mexico is coming up and i'm starting to become really nervous. along with that of course is immense excitement but the nerves take over the excitement at times. there's just so many different "what if's" that are going through my mind and at times if i'm honest, "what am i doing?"


but as i started with, life is really good right now. all of these things are currently happening and have been for a little while but yet i have a strange peace, that just settled in today. last night in my small group for youth group there were times as my leader or someone else was talking i would be off somewhere else mostly here. wishing i could write everything i just did to get this figured out but this morning as i was writing in my journal i was writing to God, just pouring out my heart. telling Him everything i just wrote about friends, mexico, school, being stuck, etc. and as i was coming to the end the peace sat in. Little things might be wrong here and there (and shocker that a month from me leaving things aren't peachy), but what i'm going to be doing, working with Caravan in Mexico is where i should be. Yes i'm nervous but still i'm nervous with a peace. that might not make sense but its true. all things things are happening but i'm good. life is good. all because God has a plan and He is in control. i'm not saying that i'm going to stop working hard in school and that the stress will go away, or that i'm automatically going to be "free" from be stuck, or that friendships will ever be easy, etc. but simply that i know things will be okay because I'm not in control.

good to know

i was talking to a friend today about stress. they were mentioning their stress and i commented on how i was momentarily stressed because of a previous class. i generally don't think i'm a stressed person unless its exam week or something like that.


to know when one is stressed:
they freak out, even for a moment, over having to wear glasses for a month.

Today was just a good day!

I don't really know what it was but today has been beautiful. Even after coming home and not getting to my homework right away i still finished it before dinner. Then i headed out to shack (small group), windows down and fun summery music blaring. (there may have been singing and dancing...) We played some basketball outside and the ramifications of wearing sandals, playing barefooted to which i said...eh ok! but alas when the time came to jump into The Word and having sweet discussions and just be real and open, this moment i had waited for all week...could not come. point of this random post: i have, slowly and continually these past months, started to realize how important a close community and accountability are.

alright lets be real

i never like to admit this but thats a whole other post to talk about how i love to be real but i still have things that i hate admitting. but anyway...my last post i talked about how i felt like i was too comfortable in this and God kinds shook that up and its true He did and thankfully i've been dealing with the struggles a lot better which is awesome and not my strength thats for darn sure. but even though i was shaken i don't feel like i personally moved. i might have been humbled on my knees for a little while but i definitely feel like i just stood back up. i don't mean i've lost any faith or anything like that i just think that i'm not growing. or maybe i am...i don't. i just feel like i'm not doing anything. Today i was asked what was God doing in my life and i couldn't think of anything! what's up with that? He's done everything in my life, I am because He has said...but still why can't i think of anything. i kinda feel like this isn't making any sense. i don't really know how to put it into words. its not necessarily empty as in i've lost all but maybe empty is an adjective you could use...i don't know. its not even that i'm sad or depresssed or anything like that, in the general sense. if you saw me in a normal day i dont' think you'd be able to tell but its annoying. there are specific times, like now, when my eyes are really open to it and it bugs me. i want to move forward. i want to be learning more and more about how to love others like Jesus and just how to glorify Him in everything i do, as well as actually doing those things but i feel as though i'm at a mute point...and i'm not okay with that. again i don't know if this makes sense but i said i was going to be real be like coffee shop sheet music.

comfortable...

I thought a couple of months ago that "i'm too comfortable. i'm not necessarily going forward nor am i going backwards i'm just good where i am." And now ironically, or not really, at the end of senior year and about 2 months until i leave for Mexico, specifically this past week...things aren't so comfortable anymore.

It's actually really weird because there are definitely some things recently that have been going really well. things with some friends, school, etc. but then some things have just gotten so screwed up. Things with relationships and old struggles.

Stuff with some relationships has not been easy. Things like realizing i can't be too dependent on people, specifically friendships, but also that God has called us to have close people in our lives to help us along the way...i have to find that balance. Then to continually love because i was and am loved through all my mistakes and this isn't my life. To be a real friend Proverbs 17:17 and that sometimes being a friend means saying things and doing things that the other person won't necessarily like but from the best of my knowledge its for the best. but still...

today i'm definitely saying "I can't figure things out" but thankfully God will guide me...

Trust in the Lord with all your heart;
do not depend on your own understanding.
Seek his will in all you do,
and he will show you which path to take.
_Proverbs 3:5-6

perspective. purpose

today i lost all perspective. i woke up grumpy and just stayed that way for most of the day. no reason, it was just one of those days. and i understand that sometimes we all just have those days but they can be over come. i don't have to be stuck. Recently some relationships have been hard to deal with. theres a core group of people that i've been hanging out with this past year and we've grown together but recently it has all been falling apart. i thought by now we would all be past the "clickiness" and the gossip but i feel like that's where its fallen to. it hasn't been about hanging out with each other to enjoy each others company or to get to know each other more...or even just being the types of friend the Bible describes: "A friend loves at all times (NIV)" or different phrasing "Friends love through all kinds of weather." (message) _Proverbs 17:17. i know there will be times when we don't get along and we'll get hurt because of things but really "We love because he first loved us. If anyone says, "I love God," yet hates his brother, he is a liar. For anyone who does not love his brother, whom he has seen, cannot love God, whom he has not seen. And he has given us this command: Whoever loves God must also love his brother."_1 John 4:19-21.

all the random little things that are happening are so miniscule in the grand scheme of things so why are we allowing it to rip the tight friendships we had? God forgave us for all our sins and we can't forgive people for one or two things they've done? i'm in the fault as well. i have been hurt by something and i haven't forgave the person even though we talked, only making the situation more awkward. When Jesus was on the earth there were many times that he loved people but they rejected him...but still he continued to love them and ultimately pay their debt. why do we hold so tightly to the dumbest things?

in between working on homework i read something my friend posted (notes from a retreat) and i'm going to post them to leave you with some thoughts. but as for me i'm saying "Father break me down so i'm not proud and let me love like You do."

My Friend's Notes:
-God's not going to hide His will from you.
-Anxious feelings is flushing God's Sovereignty down the toilet.
-Is Something out of His Control?
-All we see are problems. God can solve them.
-Dwell on the present in God's Holiness.
-Ask God to tell you what to do
-How often are you in His word?
-What is not letting you hear Him?
-He'll give you the opportunity to hear Him.
-What is distracting you?
-What is your priority?
-Why didn't he take immediately to heaven?
-We are His mirrors, to show others Him.
-Are you hiding something?
-You are ignoring God.
-God will reveal what is not okay.
-Check attitude when you sin?
-Do you care?
-That He was beaten and killed
-Don't let sin reign in your life
-1 John
-How are you going to be protected if you are not reading everyday.
-James 4:4 "You adulterous people, don't you know that friendship with the world is hatred toward God?"
-If you don't take it seriously... The world will feed you lies.
-YOU NEED THE BIBLE!
-How do you discern what God's will is?
-Principles to live by daily
-Close to Him
-Listen to the Holy Spirit.
-How do you check that?
-James 4:15 "Instead, you ought to say, 'If it is the Lord's will, we will live and do this or that'."
-Make sure you bring it to God in prayer
-Open your hands that are holding your dreams
-Or God will tear them out of your hands.
-"I want my hands open to receive your gifts"
-It's how you react.
-Maybe God's has not revealed His will yet.
-"Your not ready for that... I haven't prepared you yet... But I will mend and mold you for that moment." ~God~
-"Why won't you tell me!"
-He wants you to trust Him MORE!
-Proverbs 3:5-6 "Trust in the Lord your God with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight."
-HE KNOWS!
-Come before him with what's burdening your heart.
-Go to God with the scary stuff you can't explain.
-He will never leave you or forsake you
-I am stupid, HELP ME!
-Philippians 4:6-7 "Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus."
-I Peter 5:6-7 Humble yourselves, therefore, under God's mighty hand, that he may lift you up in due time. Cast all you anxiety on him because he cares for you."
-He couldn't live eternity without you.
-STOP
-REMEMBER WHO MADE YOU!

its not arbitrary

don't say best friend then walk away. that card has been delt before and i can't handle it again. i realize i'm a pushover in friendship but what every one doesn't realize is that it because i don't want to hurt anyone else, so call me a pushover. two more months then i'm gone for a year. friendship is not a one man band.