not in control

the feeling of hopelessness. but not in the general sense. life is good. i never write about the good i feel like, i'm sorry just normally when i write it's to get things out and try to understand what exactly is going on in my head. but really life is good, which now thinking this through ha it all makes sense..well i mean as much as it can so alright let's back up so you understand what i'm saying as well.

hopeless. lately i've been writing about the feeling of immobility. As if i'm not helping and loving others, that i'm reading the Bible but the words pass through and once again like a couple of years ago its just a text book, that life is just a day to day survive almost. now again its not that i've lost my faith by any means i have just felt stuck. and that's what i mean by hopeless.


then there's always the addition to the random things of every day. the stress: my whole life school has come easy, i've always enjoyed learning, and working in school, but this class...i work really hard to in understand, get a good grade, and pass the AP test coming up to get college credits.

or how about friendships? i don't know what it is but my whole life...there have been certain people i have gotten really close to then something(s) happen and we don't talk or we barely talk...and recently this year it has occurred again. Or with friendships, i get along with people older then me more often because...i don't know but then obviously there's a lot of times i feel like the stupid younger kid who always wants to hang around. Or with friendships, i get along with someone pretty well but they leave or i leave(trips). And friends are a huge part in my life. they're large impact on my life.

Mexico is coming up and i'm starting to become really nervous. along with that of course is immense excitement but the nerves take over the excitement at times. there's just so many different "what if's" that are going through my mind and at times if i'm honest, "what am i doing?"


but as i started with, life is really good right now. all of these things are currently happening and have been for a little while but yet i have a strange peace, that just settled in today. last night in my small group for youth group there were times as my leader or someone else was talking i would be off somewhere else mostly here. wishing i could write everything i just did to get this figured out but this morning as i was writing in my journal i was writing to God, just pouring out my heart. telling Him everything i just wrote about friends, mexico, school, being stuck, etc. and as i was coming to the end the peace sat in. Little things might be wrong here and there (and shocker that a month from me leaving things aren't peachy), but what i'm going to be doing, working with Caravan in Mexico is where i should be. Yes i'm nervous but still i'm nervous with a peace. that might not make sense but its true. all things things are happening but i'm good. life is good. all because God has a plan and He is in control. i'm not saying that i'm going to stop working hard in school and that the stress will go away, or that i'm automatically going to be "free" from be stuck, or that friendships will ever be easy, etc. but simply that i know things will be okay because I'm not in control.