Major Drama

I went to the chiropractor yesterday and as he was explaining the different points in my back that needed adjustment he said this, "Our body is cool in the way it was made. It reacts to the major drama. So with your back it is these two areas but when we readjust we my find other areas that all of a sudden flare up. However they were probably there the entire time it is just that you were focused on the major drama but once you fix the major drama you find the underlying issues." After already having asked me what I was studying and what I wanted to do, he knew I was going to be working with people to which he smiled as said, "Hey that works with people too. You need to address those main drama areas before you can get to the underlying issues."

There's a song by Tim Hughes titled "God of Justice" that I always think of with justice issues. And one line in that song will forever be stuck in my head, "keep us from just singing and move us into action, we must go." Why? Not because of a fad, but because God is a God of Justice. to quote Dr. Cornell West from the Call + Response Movie, "Love is what justice looks like in public." So then I say..."Love your neighbor!"

Beautiful Teachers

When people come back from short term trips I always smile when I hear then talk of how they were going to be the ones to impact those the were going to but instead they were changed.

I was talking with a good friend last night and realized this is how I came into this position that I have been given this year. I came in thinking I was going to be the superhero, the one to be such a huge impact...only now I look back and my stature shrinks, I'm the student. I'm the one learning from all the beautiful women in my life. There are times when I love that fact that I'm stubborn but its in moments like this I wish I wasn't so thick headed so that I could learn faster. Maybe come out on the other side with less gashes, black eyes, and stitches but then even as I type that I remember that Jesus uses those. I see that now. I see the moments of brokenness that are sweet because they have brought me to my knees and to just be with my precious Jesus. But as I talked with my friend last night many of the other beautiful women in my life came to mind. Those women who have been such a help, encouragement, and ones to give the tough love but also the women I write on facebook in scattered days to say "I miss you" "We haven't talked in awhile" "How are you?" .... I don't know maybe it is in all the chaos and brokenness that I see that this year has been hell and that I haven't stepped up in the so many opportunities. I see God has used that, I do. Like last night a cool almost spring evening walking around the pond and hearing my friend's heart as she shared about her recent week in Chicago - the brokenness but the beauty that couldn't help but shine through, here is where Jesus reminded me, as not even a day into things (returning from spring break) I felt overwhelmed, Jesus reminded me: remember the fire I gave you? remember why you are who you are? do you remember I live in you? do you remember why you live?

There is a mess of thoughts in my head. I know I end my entries looking towards Jesus, usually I do that for myself, to truly remind myself look to Jesus He is the one who will get me through, not because I'm a picture perfect and therefore I end in Jesus as if to polish it off with some bumper sticker happy phrase but I do this in full brokenness realizing more and more my own depravity and that I am nothing without Christ. I look to Him at the end because I can't look any where else. This Jesus I speak of its not some cute little phrase on Christian paraphernalia, He is not something I slap one the end to look good, He is THE Son of God, He is THE Savior, He is THE Creator, He IS love, He defeated death, He is everything. I look to Him at the end to remember all that and my own depravity. I can't ever fully explain my own depravity, in fact I'm still learning of it, but despite it all that He forgives me, accepts me where I am and is continuing to work in me to make me more like Him...and that is an amazing something I forget to much that is why I end looking towards Jesus.

If you just read any of that and skimmed over it because phrases sounded familiar. stop. go back and reread. I'm not saying this for my own benefit but so that the reality of who Jesus is and what He has done/is doing will sink in a bit more. It's for His glory not mine.

bumper stickers

How many times have I heard this? My instantaneous response is it's more than that. It's not coexist, everything and anything goes...its not those things. But those are the thoughts that come to mind when I heard from the world "Love wins." I think of the tolerance the reigns in the North American society. But the other day I was reminded "God is love." Therefore love does win because God is love. This is the only love that can win. Not this conditional or anything goes love but love that is of God. In that love there is justice, mercy, grace, and discipline. It's unconditional. This love wins, nothing else.

a blister from my guitar

I know you said it'll be rough

if we follow you

we should expect it

but I don't know where to go from here

I'm cracked I know

and that's all they see

but Lord Jesus will you still use me?

hospital visits, emergency meetings, a to do list like a scroll, and a stress level spilling the mercury.

Sometimes I get these feelings where I just know "this" time, whatever that may be, is going to be really hard. Usually I think back on that moment after that hard period and think "right I remember that" and I move on only this time I can't forget it and maybe it's hard to move on because everything is still deteriorating.

There was a time I was sitting on a mower over by the seminary building listening to Francis Chan as I cut the lawn in the summer afternoon. He spoke from 2 Peter 1:5-8. The part engraved in my head is what he said about perseverance. (not all these thoughts are from that podcast but rather me processing and thinking) We pray for a lot of these other attibutes in this text but we don't seem to pray for perseverance...because perseverance, to develop it requires trial. So if we do pray for it do we really want it? Do we really want trials? Hard crappy times? But if we look at the end in verse 8, "For if these qualities are yours and are increasing, they keep you from being ineffective or unfruitful in the knowledge of our Lord Jesus Christ."....If perseverance is yours (hence you've gone through trials and remained steadfast and strong in the Lord) and is increasing (continuing to go through trials to develop this trait) - whew... So to continue to struggle so that we may continue to have the opportunity to grow in perseverance and therefore keeping us from becoming ineffective and unfruitful in the knowledge of our Lord Jesus Christ. fruitful in our knowledge: being in struggles and remaining steadfast developing that perseverance allows us to know Jesus better.

Indeed, I count everything as loss because of the surpassing worth of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord. For his sake I have suffered the loss of all things and count them as rubbish, in order that I may gain Christ and be found in him, not having a righteousness of my own that comes from the law, but that which comes through faith in Christ, the righteousness from God that depends on faith— that I may know him and the power of his resurrection, and may share his sufferings, becoming like him in his death, that by any means possible I may attain the resurrection from the dead. phil 3:8-11

Now I rejoice in my sufferings for your sake, and in my flesh I am filling up what is lacking in Christ's afflictions for the sake of his body, that is, the church col 1:24

Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds, for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness. And let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing. James 1:2-4

Beloved, do not be surprised at the fiery trial when it comes upon you to test you, as though something strange were happening to you. But rejoice insofar as you share Christ's sufferings, that you may also rejoice and be glad when his glory is revealed. 1 peter 4:12-13

As I sat on that mower thinking and realizing, to the fullest capacity my brain is able, what asking that would mean. It was a frightening thought because while I am one who doesn't like to be comfortable because I want grow, I don't want hard crappy times. I will go to a "scary" city, give up of material things but to be in hard crappy times that's a different uncomfortable I don't like. But still in that moment and truly now even despite everything I want(ed) to know Jesus. And so if that takes hard crappy times I want(ed) to know Jesus. So I asked Jesus give me opportunities to grow in perseverance and as soon as I did I had that feeling, the next year is going to be hard. I asked Jesus that last summer and this year not being this annual year but since that day has been hard and crappy. "For if these qualities are yours and are increasing, they keep you from being ineffective or unfruitful in the knowledge of our Lord Jesus Christ."

mmm but Jesus...He is Sovereign and He is love. He has conquered. I don't understand but I know He will provide, comfort, direct, and grow.

Poems, rendering, and erasers

I'm listening to a new song that declares the story of Jesus... He came for the broken, the hurting, for th nations.What a Savior. He who knew no sin...became sin...for such a wretched person as I, for such a person who He knew would wander. Oh Father pull me in. Wondrous Savior, precious Jesus, Holy Holy God pull me in. Take away all imperfections. Every day renew my spirit so that I can continually come closer to you. Make me your perfect art work Lord.

I just finished watching my friend draw a portrait. From the first basic shape to the signature, I saw the facial structure change again and again as she strived to capture the age, the texture, the emotion. She had to erase the imperfections so that the portrait matched the picture she was drawing from. I sat in awe as I watched her know exactly which graphite weight to use, of each stroke of her charcoal, of each eraser mark.... there was one point when I asked her placement of something. She just smiled and assured me that one she was finished it would all fit.

I was reminded, I am Christ's workmanship...His poem (the Greek) (Eph. 2:8-10). In the same way my friend had to refine her drawing and as all artists do, there is refining in life as well. I wonder if art could speak what emotions it would express as it was continually being changed...would it be similar to the painful times the imperfections are being chipped away? similar to when I am being refined? Oh but for the day that is coming when my precious and holy Jesus returns, on that day His work in me will be complete (Phil 1:6). For the moment all discipline seems painful rather than pleasant, but later it yields the peaceful fruit of righteousness to those who have been trained by it (Heb 12:11).

Continue to erase what needs to be Father. Shape and mold me to you. Make my desires your own. Take me through these hard times so that I may be more like you on the other side (of the struggles). Oh I long for that day Jesus, to be with You perfectly.

a bomb in a china room

It's more than my thing...
Does it man they are being disobedient? Why is this such a burdened? Why do I have eyes to see this? Can I not help others see it too? I'm the bomb in a china room, shards of glass flying about the room but I am I just breaking hearts? You broke me into action. No more play Holy Spirit but how then do I make others see? I set off bombs. I'm tired of nothing happening. Why does logic work in every other situation? I don't get it. It's not about me and my passion nor you. What happened to apostolic passion? Move people. Open your eyes and see this was not give to you for you. See that people are damned. Does that not move you? Where is your pulse? Jog the memory and see a dark light weekend. Do you not remember the heap laid upon one man? Remember your closet of hidden chains...He took them. Don't you remember that day wen you were freed? Are you wearing them now...no you are still free. Well free citizen it is not liberty for you alone. Remember the faces in National Geographic, on the commercials you quickly turn to your favorite sitcom, the ones you see in the campaigns Bono supports, the faces... the beautiful faces are damned and this is my thing? My passion? They don't need to hear of liberty and love, don't worry those are just for you... I'm sure that is what the lover said too when He set you free. Pardon my sarcasm and crass speech, I'm just setting off another bomb. It's not my fault. This, glory, worship, justice, and salvation, is what is inside and your shit is setting it off. Move, this life is not about you.