Steppin' into the last weeks

In two weeks from now I will be flying to San Diego, California. I have to keep planning times that I'm going to be hanging out with friends and other various events/activities. It's crazy. I done with high school as of last Friday but I'm officially done this Sunday when I move the tassel. Crazy. Each day I have random times when I'm just thinking and then I realize in glimpses what has just happened and what is going to happen within the next two weeks and the next year. I'm so excited for everything that I'm going to learn and experience but I'm definitely getting to that point where I'm getting nervous.

tweaking

ha i started to type this note but i didn't like how it sounded so i kept hitting the backspace key which made me think of "You've Got Mail" when Tom Hank's is writing to Meg Ryan about why he "stood her up" and ends up writing that he's in the process of a project that needs "tweaking." random kinda, but not really because its me ha.

i was hanging out with a friend last week and i was asked "isn't it weird thinking that what you've done for the past twelve years will be done?" to which with no hesitation i said, "yes. definitely." i had thought about that concept before that conversation but still even now thinking about it i conclude, it's weird. now as i'm on the brink of the last two weeks of high school the concept is become less of a concept. i'm not terrified as i may sound from those past words but just pondering the thoughts. my whole life has been school (pretty much). i'm scared because i'm leaving all i've ever known, in more ways then one...but at the same time i'm ecstatic. not necessarily for the "i'm done with high school" (that's just a perk) or "i get to get away from home." but rather the fact that i get to jump into a whole new segment of my journey and i get to do it knowing that God is always there with me. Yeah, sure i'm still nervous but as i'm giving my nerves to God i'm relying more and more on Him as it should be.

so not working on a project but jumping into a new segment of life where i can always use some "tweaking."

Proverbs 3:5-6

not in control

the feeling of hopelessness. but not in the general sense. life is good. i never write about the good i feel like, i'm sorry just normally when i write it's to get things out and try to understand what exactly is going on in my head. but really life is good, which now thinking this through ha it all makes sense..well i mean as much as it can so alright let's back up so you understand what i'm saying as well.

hopeless. lately i've been writing about the feeling of immobility. As if i'm not helping and loving others, that i'm reading the Bible but the words pass through and once again like a couple of years ago its just a text book, that life is just a day to day survive almost. now again its not that i've lost my faith by any means i have just felt stuck. and that's what i mean by hopeless.


then there's always the addition to the random things of every day. the stress: my whole life school has come easy, i've always enjoyed learning, and working in school, but this class...i work really hard to in understand, get a good grade, and pass the AP test coming up to get college credits.

or how about friendships? i don't know what it is but my whole life...there have been certain people i have gotten really close to then something(s) happen and we don't talk or we barely talk...and recently this year it has occurred again. Or with friendships, i get along with people older then me more often because...i don't know but then obviously there's a lot of times i feel like the stupid younger kid who always wants to hang around. Or with friendships, i get along with someone pretty well but they leave or i leave(trips). And friends are a huge part in my life. they're large impact on my life.

Mexico is coming up and i'm starting to become really nervous. along with that of course is immense excitement but the nerves take over the excitement at times. there's just so many different "what if's" that are going through my mind and at times if i'm honest, "what am i doing?"


but as i started with, life is really good right now. all of these things are currently happening and have been for a little while but yet i have a strange peace, that just settled in today. last night in my small group for youth group there were times as my leader or someone else was talking i would be off somewhere else mostly here. wishing i could write everything i just did to get this figured out but this morning as i was writing in my journal i was writing to God, just pouring out my heart. telling Him everything i just wrote about friends, mexico, school, being stuck, etc. and as i was coming to the end the peace sat in. Little things might be wrong here and there (and shocker that a month from me leaving things aren't peachy), but what i'm going to be doing, working with Caravan in Mexico is where i should be. Yes i'm nervous but still i'm nervous with a peace. that might not make sense but its true. all things things are happening but i'm good. life is good. all because God has a plan and He is in control. i'm not saying that i'm going to stop working hard in school and that the stress will go away, or that i'm automatically going to be "free" from be stuck, or that friendships will ever be easy, etc. but simply that i know things will be okay because I'm not in control.

good to know

i was talking to a friend today about stress. they were mentioning their stress and i commented on how i was momentarily stressed because of a previous class. i generally don't think i'm a stressed person unless its exam week or something like that.


to know when one is stressed:
they freak out, even for a moment, over having to wear glasses for a month.

Today was just a good day!

I don't really know what it was but today has been beautiful. Even after coming home and not getting to my homework right away i still finished it before dinner. Then i headed out to shack (small group), windows down and fun summery music blaring. (there may have been singing and dancing...) We played some basketball outside and the ramifications of wearing sandals, playing barefooted to which i said...eh ok! but alas when the time came to jump into The Word and having sweet discussions and just be real and open, this moment i had waited for all week...could not come. point of this random post: i have, slowly and continually these past months, started to realize how important a close community and accountability are.

alright lets be real

i never like to admit this but thats a whole other post to talk about how i love to be real but i still have things that i hate admitting. but anyway...my last post i talked about how i felt like i was too comfortable in this and God kinds shook that up and its true He did and thankfully i've been dealing with the struggles a lot better which is awesome and not my strength thats for darn sure. but even though i was shaken i don't feel like i personally moved. i might have been humbled on my knees for a little while but i definitely feel like i just stood back up. i don't mean i've lost any faith or anything like that i just think that i'm not growing. or maybe i am...i don't. i just feel like i'm not doing anything. Today i was asked what was God doing in my life and i couldn't think of anything! what's up with that? He's done everything in my life, I am because He has said...but still why can't i think of anything. i kinda feel like this isn't making any sense. i don't really know how to put it into words. its not necessarily empty as in i've lost all but maybe empty is an adjective you could use...i don't know. its not even that i'm sad or depresssed or anything like that, in the general sense. if you saw me in a normal day i dont' think you'd be able to tell but its annoying. there are specific times, like now, when my eyes are really open to it and it bugs me. i want to move forward. i want to be learning more and more about how to love others like Jesus and just how to glorify Him in everything i do, as well as actually doing those things but i feel as though i'm at a mute point...and i'm not okay with that. again i don't know if this makes sense but i said i was going to be real be like coffee shop sheet music.

comfortable...

I thought a couple of months ago that "i'm too comfortable. i'm not necessarily going forward nor am i going backwards i'm just good where i am." And now ironically, or not really, at the end of senior year and about 2 months until i leave for Mexico, specifically this past week...things aren't so comfortable anymore.

It's actually really weird because there are definitely some things recently that have been going really well. things with some friends, school, etc. but then some things have just gotten so screwed up. Things with relationships and old struggles.

Stuff with some relationships has not been easy. Things like realizing i can't be too dependent on people, specifically friendships, but also that God has called us to have close people in our lives to help us along the way...i have to find that balance. Then to continually love because i was and am loved through all my mistakes and this isn't my life. To be a real friend Proverbs 17:17 and that sometimes being a friend means saying things and doing things that the other person won't necessarily like but from the best of my knowledge its for the best. but still...

today i'm definitely saying "I can't figure things out" but thankfully God will guide me...

Trust in the Lord with all your heart;
do not depend on your own understanding.
Seek his will in all you do,
and he will show you which path to take.
_Proverbs 3:5-6