2 weeks ago, in 2 weeks, and a month

There are a lot of changes that (have and) will happen within the next month or so....o boy...may this be a great time of perseverance and drawing nearer to Christ.

CONFUSED

I'm confused Church, I'm confused. I've had conversation after conversation with my brothers and sisters hearing of the tension in their life. They tell me of this that their roommate did and this that their friend did and that that their nuclear family member did....what? I don't get it Church. Tell me when did it change that it was okay to let the sun go down on your anger? When did it change that was it okay to let your neighbor go unloved? When did it change that it was okay to disrespect your parents? When did it change that was it okay to gossip and slander? Church what is going on? Conflict was never meant to fester. Deal with it right away! I don't care if its awkward and uncomfortable. We love our comfort so much we won't even step outside our comfort zone to heal to reconcile. Oh Lord, forgive us. Shall we blame it on facebook for our lack of understanding communication? Texting? Blogs? I don't care how the world has changed and become, we have absolute truth. It is unwavering and we... yes I am including myself in this, we need to hold fast to it. You may be reading this and saying "I know. I know." But do you? Do you really know? I'm not speaking of knowing that comes from ears that have heard it so many times that it is dead or from a head that intellectually says I understand. I'm talking of knowing that rings so loudly everything moves as a result. Those around you see it. We are to be DIFFERENT. We are to be servants of others. Not pointing out the splinters in others' eyes. Stop accusing. Forgive. Reconcile.... I am in pain because of this. How do we so quickly forget what Jesus has done for us. Do you remember who you really were? Do you know who He is really is? He became sin, He became all your CRAP...everything...He who was and is spotless became your crap and now you are telling me (by your actions and possibly literally by your words) that you will not forgive others? You who are depraved? This makes perfect sense if you are not like me who was full of every defilement...if you aren't then goodness! Continue on...

I too have fallen to this folly but by the grace of God I recognize this and there is no way I am going to let the devil have this. I am here to spread His kingdom. I am apart of the Church which is the bride of Christ and there is no way I will continue on knowingly bashing, slandering, holding grudges, etc. against my brothers and sisters who are also the bride. Oh Church...look at yourself. Then look at the Bible in comparison, does your life make sense? What about to Jesus' life? Or does your life look more like the world around us?

Lord, forgive us.

Major Drama

I went to the chiropractor yesterday and as he was explaining the different points in my back that needed adjustment he said this, "Our body is cool in the way it was made. It reacts to the major drama. So with your back it is these two areas but when we readjust we my find other areas that all of a sudden flare up. However they were probably there the entire time it is just that you were focused on the major drama but once you fix the major drama you find the underlying issues." After already having asked me what I was studying and what I wanted to do, he knew I was going to be working with people to which he smiled as said, "Hey that works with people too. You need to address those main drama areas before you can get to the underlying issues."

There's a song by Tim Hughes titled "God of Justice" that I always think of with justice issues. And one line in that song will forever be stuck in my head, "keep us from just singing and move us into action, we must go." Why? Not because of a fad, but because God is a God of Justice. to quote Dr. Cornell West from the Call + Response Movie, "Love is what justice looks like in public." So then I say..."Love your neighbor!"

Beautiful Teachers

When people come back from short term trips I always smile when I hear then talk of how they were going to be the ones to impact those the were going to but instead they were changed.

I was talking with a good friend last night and realized this is how I came into this position that I have been given this year. I came in thinking I was going to be the superhero, the one to be such a huge impact...only now I look back and my stature shrinks, I'm the student. I'm the one learning from all the beautiful women in my life. There are times when I love that fact that I'm stubborn but its in moments like this I wish I wasn't so thick headed so that I could learn faster. Maybe come out on the other side with less gashes, black eyes, and stitches but then even as I type that I remember that Jesus uses those. I see that now. I see the moments of brokenness that are sweet because they have brought me to my knees and to just be with my precious Jesus. But as I talked with my friend last night many of the other beautiful women in my life came to mind. Those women who have been such a help, encouragement, and ones to give the tough love but also the women I write on facebook in scattered days to say "I miss you" "We haven't talked in awhile" "How are you?" .... I don't know maybe it is in all the chaos and brokenness that I see that this year has been hell and that I haven't stepped up in the so many opportunities. I see God has used that, I do. Like last night a cool almost spring evening walking around the pond and hearing my friend's heart as she shared about her recent week in Chicago - the brokenness but the beauty that couldn't help but shine through, here is where Jesus reminded me, as not even a day into things (returning from spring break) I felt overwhelmed, Jesus reminded me: remember the fire I gave you? remember why you are who you are? do you remember I live in you? do you remember why you live?

There is a mess of thoughts in my head. I know I end my entries looking towards Jesus, usually I do that for myself, to truly remind myself look to Jesus He is the one who will get me through, not because I'm a picture perfect and therefore I end in Jesus as if to polish it off with some bumper sticker happy phrase but I do this in full brokenness realizing more and more my own depravity and that I am nothing without Christ. I look to Him at the end because I can't look any where else. This Jesus I speak of its not some cute little phrase on Christian paraphernalia, He is not something I slap one the end to look good, He is THE Son of God, He is THE Savior, He is THE Creator, He IS love, He defeated death, He is everything. I look to Him at the end to remember all that and my own depravity. I can't ever fully explain my own depravity, in fact I'm still learning of it, but despite it all that He forgives me, accepts me where I am and is continuing to work in me to make me more like Him...and that is an amazing something I forget to much that is why I end looking towards Jesus.

If you just read any of that and skimmed over it because phrases sounded familiar. stop. go back and reread. I'm not saying this for my own benefit but so that the reality of who Jesus is and what He has done/is doing will sink in a bit more. It's for His glory not mine.

bumper stickers

How many times have I heard this? My instantaneous response is it's more than that. It's not coexist, everything and anything goes...its not those things. But those are the thoughts that come to mind when I heard from the world "Love wins." I think of the tolerance the reigns in the North American society. But the other day I was reminded "God is love." Therefore love does win because God is love. This is the only love that can win. Not this conditional or anything goes love but love that is of God. In that love there is justice, mercy, grace, and discipline. It's unconditional. This love wins, nothing else.

a blister from my guitar

I know you said it'll be rough

if we follow you

we should expect it

but I don't know where to go from here

I'm cracked I know

and that's all they see

but Lord Jesus will you still use me?

hospital visits, emergency meetings, a to do list like a scroll, and a stress level spilling the mercury.

Sometimes I get these feelings where I just know "this" time, whatever that may be, is going to be really hard. Usually I think back on that moment after that hard period and think "right I remember that" and I move on only this time I can't forget it and maybe it's hard to move on because everything is still deteriorating.

There was a time I was sitting on a mower over by the seminary building listening to Francis Chan as I cut the lawn in the summer afternoon. He spoke from 2 Peter 1:5-8. The part engraved in my head is what he said about perseverance. (not all these thoughts are from that podcast but rather me processing and thinking) We pray for a lot of these other attibutes in this text but we don't seem to pray for perseverance...because perseverance, to develop it requires trial. So if we do pray for it do we really want it? Do we really want trials? Hard crappy times? But if we look at the end in verse 8, "For if these qualities are yours and are increasing, they keep you from being ineffective or unfruitful in the knowledge of our Lord Jesus Christ."....If perseverance is yours (hence you've gone through trials and remained steadfast and strong in the Lord) and is increasing (continuing to go through trials to develop this trait) - whew... So to continue to struggle so that we may continue to have the opportunity to grow in perseverance and therefore keeping us from becoming ineffective and unfruitful in the knowledge of our Lord Jesus Christ. fruitful in our knowledge: being in struggles and remaining steadfast developing that perseverance allows us to know Jesus better.

Indeed, I count everything as loss because of the surpassing worth of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord. For his sake I have suffered the loss of all things and count them as rubbish, in order that I may gain Christ and be found in him, not having a righteousness of my own that comes from the law, but that which comes through faith in Christ, the righteousness from God that depends on faith— that I may know him and the power of his resurrection, and may share his sufferings, becoming like him in his death, that by any means possible I may attain the resurrection from the dead. phil 3:8-11

Now I rejoice in my sufferings for your sake, and in my flesh I am filling up what is lacking in Christ's afflictions for the sake of his body, that is, the church col 1:24

Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds, for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness. And let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing. James 1:2-4

Beloved, do not be surprised at the fiery trial when it comes upon you to test you, as though something strange were happening to you. But rejoice insofar as you share Christ's sufferings, that you may also rejoice and be glad when his glory is revealed. 1 peter 4:12-13

As I sat on that mower thinking and realizing, to the fullest capacity my brain is able, what asking that would mean. It was a frightening thought because while I am one who doesn't like to be comfortable because I want grow, I don't want hard crappy times. I will go to a "scary" city, give up of material things but to be in hard crappy times that's a different uncomfortable I don't like. But still in that moment and truly now even despite everything I want(ed) to know Jesus. And so if that takes hard crappy times I want(ed) to know Jesus. So I asked Jesus give me opportunities to grow in perseverance and as soon as I did I had that feeling, the next year is going to be hard. I asked Jesus that last summer and this year not being this annual year but since that day has been hard and crappy. "For if these qualities are yours and are increasing, they keep you from being ineffective or unfruitful in the knowledge of our Lord Jesus Christ."

mmm but Jesus...He is Sovereign and He is love. He has conquered. I don't understand but I know He will provide, comfort, direct, and grow.