Knees bent, eyes lifted, hands open

My heart is heavy and burden today. This is not a new burden and those of you who read my rants may possibly be sick of hearing me talk of it but this burden is more then a weight that an ox pulls but it feels more like an enduring branding on my heart... and I am helpless not knowing what to do, I lift up my eyes to the the Author and Perfecter of faith, Jesus.. Lord I pray for...




Amen.

The heavens belong to you
For by Him all things were created
by the breath of His mouth all their host
The great, mighty, and awesome God
He was and is and is to come
King of glory
The rock, a refuge, and stronghold
Father to the fatherless
A consuming fire
Is love
THE God

A bearer of The Image
Chose death over life
The heavens bow,
     I stand defiantly
Punishment is eternal
Depraved
Worked out my saving
Followed the rule book
Curious to my own death
Perfectly masked the decay

For God so loved the world
The Word became flesh
You did not chose me, I chose you
Apart from me you can do nothing
He became sin who knew no sin,
    that we might become the
       righteousness of God
As the Father has loved me,
    so I have loved you.
Behold, to the Lord your God
belong the heaven and the heaven of heavens,
     the earth with all that is in it.
Yet the Lord set His heart in love on you fathers
     and chose their offspring after them,
As you are this day.
While we were still sinners Christ died for us.
If you confess with your mouth that,
     Jesus is Lord
And believe in your heart that,
     God raise Him from the dead,
     You will be saved.

Wash me
And I shall be whiter than snow.
Saved by grace
Eternal life in exchange for death
Treasures in a jar of clay
Beautiful feet
Living sacrifice

Not by my own doing
I did not chose Him, He chose me.

Displaced and Torn

The sidewalks are full of people scurrying from class to class and freshmen finding their new love (o boy). My shelves are full of textbooks. My planner full of due dates... yet my brain and emotions seem to be displaced. I listened to a native Burmese brother pray for his country; my heart was torn between brokenness and joy. To hear his love for the Father was so encouraging to hear yet my heart broke because there are so many people worshiping false idols who, as he said,  "can't save their sins." I just finished reading a book of one brother's venture to South America and His life among a tribal nation. This again tore my heart in two different directions.  It was such a great joy to join him in his journey in seeing those people sing out to Jesus and "walk His trails" but then I was reminded of how many are out there without any knowledge nor the resources to know...I know school is preparation but that doesn't mean it changes my state here of stomach churning thinking of the fact that  people don't know and have no opportunity... Lord, You know all the hearts that are not singing your praises, You know they need to hear of You. Send out You laborers. Awaken the Church to go. Father, continue to burden my heart for the lost may this burden lead me to my knees continuously. Help me to see my school work as preparation and even more important, as worship. Send out Your laborers, Lord Jesus, send them out.

(literally) a thought from (a) coffee shop

why is it that any time I want get anything done my mind reels at which point all I can focus on is music and all I want to do is write music yet there are too many thoughts to find the ones that would be suitable for paper.

i could never be a monk

I've learned over the past couple of days, I could never be a monk*. For me there is the obvious, I love music. So to be in constant solitude would be difficult. But honestly it isn't because of the music. It is because of people. Monks take pleasure in the little things and it is good to stop and smell the roses but what about smelling people. ha I know that is a weird and probably unpleasant thought for some of you but let me explain. I see beauty in people just as someone may stop and smell the rose and see the beauty in that. It is ever so evident to me when I am with people that God created this world and that sin has stained it. So wouldn't that mean it would be depressing to be around people because of sin? Wouldn't it be better to just be with the roses? Okay, first let me remind you roses have thorns and unless in Eden the thorns were all soft and didn't cut you when you touched them I'm thinkin' they are probably a part of the whole sin thing as well but back to people... I see redemption in people. I see the love of Jesus breaking down the hardest of hearts. I can see the reality that we are image bearers... When I by myself it is so easy to get lost in lies but when I am with people who have already recognized this life is not their own, I am thrusted towards truth. When I am by myself I get lost in me but when I am with other people I am reminded, I am alive for so much more than a measly life of "me"... the places that seem the darkest to people I see God shining the brightest. It's in those places where there is a small group of people who say "this life is not my own" amongst many people who have no idea what to think about life... that is when life makes sense to me. But alone...don't let me go there.

*I've never really studied monks so I may just be hitting all kinds of stereotypes but from what I do know, which may in fact be all wrong, I could never be a monk

Flashes and a flood

Stony dirt roads filled with push carts, taxis, children playing and men sitting in shops conversing. A class full of girls eagerly awaiting teaching on facebook. Homes filled with beautiful women laughing and drinking tea. Unbelievable heat.

Speed bumps that drivers swerve around. Stony dirt roads filled with soccer and open markets. A small home with notes cards taped onto everything so the mother can communicate with her deaf son. Homes filled with beautiful faces of young and old, men and women laughing and drinking tang. The sun beating down on the brim of hats.

What now? Why such lingering passion and connection? They are so similar yet so different. I began carving my path only to stand now in flooded waters wondering where will you lead.

I was driving today just praying with the radio as background noise when these lyrics caught my attention, "And everything comes alive in my life as we lift You higher." I don't know where to step next but still I will sing His praises and say "Blessed be Your Name"

“Therefore I tell you, do not be anxious about your life, what you will eat or what you will drink, nor about your body, what you will put on. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothing? Look at the birds of the air: they neither sow nor reap nor gather into barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not of more value than they? And which of you by being anxious can add a single hour to his span of life? And why are you anxious about clothing? Consider the lilies of the field, how they grow: they neither toil nor spin, yet I tell you, even Solomon in all his glory was not arrayed like one of these. But if God so clothes the grass of the field, which today is alive and tomorrow is thrown into the oven, will he not much more clothe you, O you of little faith? Therefore do not be anxious, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ For the Gentiles seek after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them all. But seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be added to you. [Matthew 6:25-33 ESV]

Sun faded bracelets

You wouldn't think taking off bracelets would be such a big deal but when they hold all that they do...it makes it awfully difficult. I've been wearing them, except one, for at least two years and now I have to part with them? In an odd way I feel like I'm cutting off ties as well having to end the replay of memories. I know that is ridiculous but nonetheless that is how I feel. I had already cut one off last november. It was one I found around the dorms. The colors had faded and plus I needed to make room for the newest. This one represents a new phase - a new friend and a new "let's do this." Another fell off, thankfully, into my hands, it was given to me by a mexican family. on the same wrist as those was a blue and brown or rather now a blue and gray bracelet. It was given to me from my canadian sister who was on staff with me the first summer and fall. It was hard to cut it off.

The other wrist holds a once bright blue bracelet that was given to me the follow spring by the lovely ladies who sold them every week in front of the dorms. A blue and orange, the only one I bought in my time there. And lastly an odd ball brazilian bracelet given to me by mentor, sister, friend, mom, and boss. The once blue.. is now gone.

Yes I know slightly dramatic to write a blog about bracelets but really its not. I know the brief description of where they came from, possibly/most likely means nothing to you but each one has so many memories engraved. The memories are still there, yes but I think one of the reasons I am fighting this is it means I'm getting farther and farther removed from a community and a year I've never experienced before. Those who make up the community are spread across the states and into other countries so I cling to memories at times to remember it all.

Okay, so maybe this is still too dramatic, whatever. I miss it. It is what it is.

I know there is rest and comfort in Christ and that is why I am clinging to Him.